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| Work Jokes Useful Work Phrases 1) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 2) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 3) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 4) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 5) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. 6) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 7) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 8) I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 9) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 10) Ahhh...I see the foul-up fairy has visited us again... 11) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 12) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 13) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 14) No, my powers can only be used for good. 15) How about never? Is never good for you? 16) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 17) You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication. 18) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 19) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... 20) I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 21) Who me? I just wander from room to room. 22) My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! 23) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. 24) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 25) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 26) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 27) Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject. The Differences Between You and Your Boss When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough. When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative. When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original. When you please your boss, you're apple polishing. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business. When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum. When your boss does the same, he appreciated women. When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked. Staff Notice: Our company requires no further physical fitness programs. Everyone gets enough exercise: jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paperwork, pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, and pushing their luck! Keys To Business Success 1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do. 2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander. 3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives. 4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing—they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand. Work Place Ethic Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. We put the "k" in "kwality." If at first you don't succeed, try management. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself. The beatings will continue until morale improves. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. We waste time, so you don't have to. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY. Succeed in spite of management. We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore. Tips For Employees Always give 100% at work... 12% on Monday 23% on Tuesday 40% on Wednesday 20% on Thursday 5% on Fridays And remember... When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off. Now get back to work. Tips For Managers 1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. 2. If it's really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke. 3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. 4. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway. 5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic. 6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work. 7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion. 8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped. 9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information. 10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. 11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager. You know you work in Corporate America in the 90's if... You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie You get really excited about a 2% pay raise You learn about your layoff on CNN Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else Communication is something your group is having problems with You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor Free food left over from meetings is your main staple Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital Art involves a white board You're already late on the assignment you just got Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers" You read this entire list and understood it. Performance Appraisal Terms and Their Real Meanings AVERAGE EMPLOYEE.....................Not too bright EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED.........Made no major blunders yet ACTIVE SOCIALLY......................Drinks a lot FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY............Spouse drinks, too CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH.............Still one step ahead of the law QUICK THINKING.......................Offers plausible excuses CAREFUL THINKER......................Won't make a decision PLANS FOR ADVANCEMENT................Buys drinks for all the boys/girls AGGRESSIVE...........................Obnoxious USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS.........Gets someone else to do it EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL............Speaks English METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL.......A nit picker HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES............. has a loud voice EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT.........Lucky KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR.................Knows a lot of dirty jokes CAREER MINDED........................Back Stabber OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION...Gets to work on time RELAXED ATTITUDE.....................Sleeps at desk INDEPENDENT WORKER...................Nobody knows what he/she does GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS............Spends lots of time on phone LOYAL............................Can't get a job anywhere else Management Ladder When "Blue Collar" workers get together, they talk about football. When "Middle Management" gets together, they talk about tennis. When "Top Management" gets together, they talk about golf. Logical Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls Management Speak MANAGEMENT SPEAK: That's very interesting. TRANSLATION: I disagree. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: "I don't disagree." TRANSLATION: "I disagree." MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don't totally disagree with you. TRANSLATION: You may be right, but I don't care. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You have to show some flexibility. TRANSLATION: You have to do it whether you want to or not. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have an opportunity. TRANSLATION: You have a problem. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You obviously put a lot of work into this. TRANSLATION: This is awful. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: In a perfect world. TRANSLATION: Just get it working and get it out the door. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Help me to understand. TRANSLATION: I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't think you do either. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You just don't understand our business. TRANSLATION: We don't understand our business. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You need to see the big picture. TRANSLATION: My boss thinks it's a good idea. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We're going to follow a strict methodology here. TRANSLATION: We're going to do it my way. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me a quick summary? TRANSLATION: I still can't figure out how to start the e-mail program. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Cost of ownership has become a significant issue in desktop computing. TRANSLATION: We want all of the benefits and none of the costs. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to leverage our resources. TRANSLATION: You're working weekends. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Individual contributor. TRANSLATION: Employee who does real work. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Your project is on hold. TRANSLATION: We've put a bullet in it. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Wrong answer. TRANSLATION: You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You needed to be more proactive. TRANSLATION: You should have protected me from myself. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'd like your buy-in on this. TRANSLATION: I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We want you to be the executive champion of this project. TRANSLATION: I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We need to syndicate this decision. TRANSLATION: We need to spread the blame if it backfires. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to put on our marketing hats. TRANSLATION: We have to put ethics aside. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't work. TRANSLATION: I don't know how to do it. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's a no-brainer. TRANSLATION: It's a perfect decision for me to handle. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'm glad you asked me that. TRANSLATION: Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal. TRANSLATION: One person couldn't possibly come up with something this stupid. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'll never lie to you. TRANSLATION: The truth will change frequently. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Our business is going through a paradigm shift. TRANSLATION: We have no idea what we've been doing, but in the future we shall do something completely different. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Value-added. TRANSLATION: Expensive. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Human Resources. TRANSLATION: A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees. TRANSLATION: The upcoming reductions will benefit me. Why we are so tired... For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron deficient blood, on vitamins, dieting, and a dozen other maladies. But now I've found out the real reason. It's because we're overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 ill and in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting there messing around on the web. Employee Expense Checks A Message From The Accounting Department...... Expense checks will be ready first thing Thursday morning. I apologize for the delay. The reason for the wait is we have decided to pay expenses in pesos and we've been waiting a few days for the most favorable dollar/peso exchange rate. We expect next month's checks to be paid much more timely as we will be switching to Canadian dollars. With hockey season fast approaching, we believe now is the time to buy up the Canadian money, eh. If we fail to see any significant savings by switching to international currencies, we will be forced to revert to the Old West barter system. So start saving your 'coon skins and garden harvests because "we tradum large flat images and supplies for office, if you givum fire sticks and horse seats for chief's bottom..." Job Titles and Descriptions CEO: Leaps tall buildings on a single bound Is more powerful than a locomotive Is faster than a speeding bullet Walks on water Gives Policy to God Project Manager: Leaps short buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a switch engine Is just as fast as a speeding bullet Walks on water if sea is calm Talks to God Senior Analyst: Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds Is almost as powerful as a switch engine Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool Talks with God if special permission is approved Systems Analyst: Barely clears a Quonset hut Loses tug of war with a switch engine Can fire a speeding bullet Swims well Is occasionally addressed by God Programmer Analyst: Makes high marks on walls when trying to leap tall buildings Is run over by locomotives Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury Calls swimming "Staying Alive In The Water" Talks to animals Programmer: Runs into buildings Recognizes locomotives two out of three times Is not issued ammunition Can stay afloat with a life jacket Talks to walls Project Clerk: Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building Says look at the choo-choo Wets himself with a water pistol Plays in mud puddles Mumbles to himself Administrative Assistant: Lifts buildings and walks under them Kicks locomotives off the tracks Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them Freezes water with a single glance Is a god Employee Travel Cutbacks Due to the current financial situation, changes will be made to the Business Travel Standards and Procedures Manual. Effective immediately, the following revised procedures apply: LODGING All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather. TRANSPORTATION Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. MEALS Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition Centers, and Price Club, Costco, Sam's Clubs, etc., often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be famil |
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