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| Jokes About Women Ten things Only Women Understand 10. Cats' facial expressions 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds 7. Fat clothes 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow - HUH?? 3. Eyelash curlers 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made 1. OTHER WOMEN. Why dogs Are Better Then Women A dog's disposition stays the same all month long. A dog's parents never come to visit. A dog's time in the bathroom is limited to a quick drink. Anyone can get a good looking dog. Dogs are excited by rough play. Dogs can appreciate excess body hair. Dogs can't talk. Dogs don't borrow your shirts. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo. Dogs don't expect you to call them when you're running late. Dogs don't hate their bodies. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their life. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dogs name. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor. Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to your wallet, desk or sock drawer. Dogs love it when your friends come over. Dogs love long car trips. Dogs never need to examine the relationship. Dogs never want a foot rub. Dogs seldom outlive you. Dogs think you sing great. Dogs understand that farts are funny. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. No dog ever bought a Michael Bolton album. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you. When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it. You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready 24 hours a day. And God Created Women At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going have a wife." What Is A Cat? 1) Cats do what they want. 2) They rarely listen to you. 3) They’re totally unpredictable. 4) They whine when they are not happy. 5) When you want to play, they want to be alone. 6) When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7) They expect you to cater for their every whim. 8) They’re moody. 9) They leave hair everywhere. 10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: Cats are tiny little women in cheap fur coats. Milking the Cow A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day. Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise. They told him the story. "Rabbi, we’ve tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?" The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" "Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?" The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk." New Orleans Funeral All his life Harry wanted to visit New Orleans, but each time he pleaded his case, his wife refused. Theirs was not the happiest of marriages, and over the years, Harry grew tired of begging her. He finally decided to pack his things and go to New Orleans. Upon arrival, Harry became reborn, wandering the French Quarter, eating the Cajun food, listening to the sounds and seeing the sights. Sitting in a sidewalk cafe, having a beer, he watched a most unusual sight. A big black hearse, covered with flowers, slowly drove through the streets, followed by a well- dressed man and his St. Bernard, "Max". Behind the man and his dog, a single-file line of men formed a procession that went on for miles, seemingly endless. Curiosity overcame Harry, for this custom was surely a part of New Orleans, and he had waited all his life to fully experience all of it. He approached the man and his dog, and politely asked the nature of this procession. It was explained that the hearse contained the mans' wife, and that Max had recently attacked and killed her. "I'm so sorry for you" said Harry, when he remembered his miserable wife back home. "When this is over, do you think I could borrow your dog?" "Sure, get in line", came the reply. His/Her Drive-Up ATM's HIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt HER: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it 9. Enter PIN number 10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 11. Hit "cancel" 12. Re-enter correct PIN number 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. STOP 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Put receipt in checkbook 34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. Check makeup 37. Put car in gear, reverse 38. Put car in drive 39. Drive away from machine 40. Travel 3 miles 41.Release parking brake New Job A man comes home from work to find his wife standing on the porch with her bags packed and waiting on a cab. He asks "What do you have your bags packed for?" "I am going to the Strip club and sell what you been getting for free. I am gonna sell sex for $400 a pop!" she answered. With that, the husband runs into the house and in a few minutes he comes back out with his luggage packed and ready to go. The wife asks "Where the hell you a going?" "I'm going out there with you to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!" Signs you Have PMS Everyone around you has an attitude problem. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****". Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. You're convinced there's a God and he's male. You're counting down the days until menopause. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. Female Secrets A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with. Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant. The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy. he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks." The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too." The CIA Test for Assassins A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!" What women say... ...What they mean... Can't we just be friends? There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again. I just need some space ...without you in it Can you help me with my homework? If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me. Do I look fat in this dress? We haven't had a fight in a while No, pizza's fine Cheap bastard I just do not want a boyfriend now I just do not want (you as a) boyfriend now Come here My puppy does this too I like you but... I don't like you You never listen You never listen We're moving too quickly I am not going to sleep with you I'll be ready in a minute I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will. No, I will pay for myself I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch Oh Yes! Right there Well, near there; I just want to get this over with I'm just going out with the girls We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends There's no one else I am doing your brother Size doesn't count... unless I want an orgasm SEMINARS FOR WOMEN The male staff will be offering courses to women of all marital status. Attendance in at least ten is mandatory: Course No. Course Title Avoiding Walking in Front of the TV 102 Doing Housework Without Complaining Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What You Can Charge Going to The Washroom Alone (formerly Coping Without My Friends) Understanding the Male Response to Do I Look OK? Exercise: How it Keeps You from Looking Like Your Mother Sex: Learning How to Initiate How to Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong Understanding the Male Response to Am I Fat? Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is Not a Must The Toilet Seat: I Can Put It Down Myself Sex Thesaurus: Alternatives to Make Love The Weekend and Long Boring Walks Are Not Synonymous How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Embarrass Him The Remote Control: Don't Touch What You Can't Handle You Too Can Be the One to Hang Up the Phone Honest, You Don't Look Like Kim Bassinger -- But You're Acceptable Hairspray: The Effects On The Ecosystem (formerly One Can Is Enough) Runs In Your Nylons? It's Not the End of the World Fishing: Being Able to Bait Your Own Hook Sex: More Than Just Lying There Learning to Choose What to Wear In Less Than Four Hours Vacations: Doing Without Four Suitcases Makeup: The Less is More Theory Nagging: Stop the Insanity! WHY COFFEE IS BETTER THAN WOMEN You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee. You can always warm coffee up. Coffee comes with endless refills. Coffee is cheaper. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM. Coffee never runs out. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents. You can make coffee as sweet as you want. You can smoke while drinking coffee. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee. Coffee smells and tastes good. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee. If your coffeepot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel. You can always get fresh coffee. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back. They sell coffee at police stations. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee. Coffee goes down easier. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter. Your coffee doesn't talk to you. Coffee smells good in the morning. Coffee is good when it's cold too. Coffee stains are easier to remove. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in. Coffee doesn't shed. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it. Coffee doesn't mind being ground. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month... it's good all the time. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away. When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup. INSTANT COFFEE! You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup. Quick Ones 1. Why did the barefoot and pregnant women cross the street? That's not the point, why the hell is she out of the kitchen. 2. Yes, I did meet Miss Right, it wasn't until we'd been married 2 years that I found out her real christian name was F*****g Always. 3. All men are created equal ............. poor things. 4. Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. 5. Single women complain that all good men are married, while married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man. 6. Why do men like masturbation? It's sex with somone they love. 7. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter. 8. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs. 9. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes 10. One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?" The other one says, "Relax. We just passed the tonsils." 11. What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute. 12. What is the definition of "making love"? Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her. 13. A midget sidles up to a tall blonde and says, "Hey, what do you say to a little fuck?" She says, "Hello, you little fuck." 14. How are women and rocks alike? You skip the flat ones. 15. Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy. 16. How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. 17. How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same but you get the remote. 18. What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.? It only took twelve jerks to get O.J. off. 19. How do we know God is a man? Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate. 20. Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair? Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud. 21. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow. 22. What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme. 25 Things Women Should Know! 1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister. 2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner. 3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia store. 4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work? 5. Butthead is the smart one. 6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear? 7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about. 8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship." 9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping. 10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer. 11. Socks never constitute a gift. 12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby. 13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask. 14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens. 15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act. 16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld." 17. Curley is the bald one. 18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours. 19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that. 20. Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together. 21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your sister are up to. 22. Sex |
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