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| Land For Sale..... Dear Reader, A teenaged girl is very anxious to offer a small lovely triangular piece of plot centrally situated on the lower slope area, but unobserved bu anybody so far. For the last 19 years the plot was tenderly cared for and looked after. The plot is virgin and fertile and can bear fruit in the very first plantation also.For the last two years, the plot is covered with very fine curly grass which is very tender. No chemical has been ever used to remove the grass, which has now covered the (w)hole area. There is also a small cave well hidden and no test has so far been carried out to ascertain the possibility of water in that cave.Offers are immd. invited from the prospective buyers with firm and energetic working capital which can be put in right away. The buyer should be strong enough to labour hard on the plot, plough it hard with their tools and tackles. Although initially, it will be hard and difficult, but once the capital is put in, they will not repent and will be delighted to have ventured into the site. It is gauranted that there will be full cooperation from the owner if the buyer is ready to put in straight his capital immd. No sub-letting please. Neighbours are waiting for an opportunity to tresspass the plot. So hurry up, to be the first entrant to the site.Offer valid till 22nd of Dec.,1642 For Fuckers & Forgetters Pvt. Ltd. Manager. Tale of two brothers........ Twin brothers were named Joe and John, Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street mistakinghim for John, she said to him, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel terrible".Joe said, "Oh hell no, fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.She was a rotten old thing from the beginning, her bottomwas all shriveled up and she smelled like dead fish. She wasalways losing water, had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front which got bigger every time I used her. She leaked like crazy and it was difficult to keep her upright. But what really finished her off was when four tough guys rented her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they all wanted to have a go with her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get on her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl, whie they were trying to get into their various positions she split up the middle". The old woman fainted. Indian Tax Structure....... The only thing the Indian Taxation department has not yet taxed is your Dick. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in a hole. On top of this it has two dependants and they are both nuts. Therefore from August 1998 your Ding-Dong will be taxed according to its size. To determine your category, please insert this information on part II, Sec 7, line 4 of your standard tax form. 10" to 12" Luxury Tax Rs. 500. pa. 8" to 10" Pole Tax Rs. 450 pa. 6" to 8" Privilege Tax Rs. 400 pa. 4" to 6" Nuisance Tax Rs. 200 pa. PS. Any one under 4" is eligible for a refund. Any one exceeding 12" must file under "CAPITAL GAINS" NOTICE Regarding: Voluntary disclosure of Assets for all Female Tax Payers. The Minstry of Finance has so far not covered under the purview of tax the GLOBAL ASSETS of women tax payers. Such assets invariably attracted male tax payers to hide their income "Projection into Female Vaults" So far the Government has not ventured to unearth such assets because 60% of the time they are concealed, 20% of the time Hard Pressed, 15% of the time Squeezed and 5% of the time sucked. It also lets a lot of "CLEAVAGE" betweent the "Global Assets." The government therefore instead of enforcing a search on such assetshas come out with a scheme to attract women for " Voluntary Disclosure" of their global assets. 37" to 38" Burden Tax Rs. 1,000 pa. 35" to 36" Entertainment Tax Rs. 800 pa. 33" to 34" Excitement Tax Rs. 600 pa. 31" to 32" Search Tax Rs. 400 pa. PS. Sizes under 30" will be eligible for a "Development Rebate"whereas sizes above 39" will fall under "Wealth Tax " Married womenwhose assets are shared by their spouses will be entitled to a concession of 20% on the above rates as "Wear and Tear allowance" Allcases of violation of global assets disclosure rule will be handled "Firmly" Cat n Cock...... A cat goes up to a rooster and says, "I can do anything you can do!" The rooster took the challenge and jumped over a broomstick. The cat jumped over the broomstick and said, "See, I can do anything you can do!" The rooster then went to a tiny brook, jumped/flew across and then asked the cat to do it. The cat ran, jumped, and fell in the water. The rooster had a great laugh as the cat got out of the water. The moral of this story is: Wherever there is a wet pussy, there's a happy cock. DUCK INCOMING! By DAVE BARRY THE PROBLEM with hunting, as a sport, is that it's not competitive. A guy with a shotgun squats in a swamp; an unarmed duck with an IQ of maybe 4 flies overhead; the guy blasts the duck into individual duck molecules. Where is the challenge here? Where is the contest? Fortunately, I have a solution. It came to me as I was reading the fall 1994 issue of Global Gas Turbine News, which was sent in by alert reader Joe Born. On the off-chance that you don't subscribe, I should explain that Global Gas Turbine News is a publication written by, and for, Martians. At least that's the impression you get from reading it. Here's an actual quote from a letter to the editor: ''Research to determine optimum blade loading, including optimum backward curvature of blades at outlet, effectiveness of separate inducers, placement of splitter vanes, and diffuser design should now be considered.'' Sounds good to me! I say we show our support for this cause by holding a mass rally and chanting catchy slogans. (''What do we want?'' ''Research to determine optimum blade loading, including . . . '') Anyway, the big article in the fall issue is headlined ''Bird Ingestion Into Aero-Engines.'' The article concerns efforts by engineers to deal with the problem of birds getting sucked into jet airplane engines during takeoff and flight; this can damage the engine, and even make the plane crash. Also it is no picnic for the bird. So according to the article, engineers are always trying to develop more-bird-resistant jet engines. To test these engines, they have developed--here's the good part--a gun that shoots ducks. When I say ''a gun that shoots ducks,'' I don't mean ''a gun that shoots at ducks.'' I mean ''a gun that you load an actual duck into and shoot it out the end, like a big feathered bullet.'' Engineers use the gun to shoot ducks at test aircraft engines so they (the engineers) can see what happens. (Note to Animal Lovers: The article states that, before being shot, these ducks are ''humanely killed.'' The article does not state whether this procedure involves feeding them airline cuisine.) No doubt you've already figured out where I'm going with this. I'm thinking: Let's take some of these duck-shooting guns, and let's camouflage them, and let's hide them in areas known to be infested by duck-hunters, and let's install some kind of sonar-guided, computerized aiming system on them, so that when a sensor detects a shotgun blast, it immediately fires a high-velocity duck at the source. Think how much more exciting the sport of duck-hunting would be if the hunter knew that, every time he fired his gun, he would immediately have to dive headfirst into the swamp muck, or else run the risk of getting hit by a deceased mallard traveling at upward of 170 miles per hour. At this point, you probably have a couple of questions, namely: Q. Would such a program be safe? A. Naturally, before we started shooting ducks at actual human beings, we would conduct safety tests in which we would fire a wide variety of waterfowl at humanely selected scientists from the Tobacco Institute. Q. Would this program pose a National Security threat to the president of the United States, who sometimes demonstrates his personal masculinity by shooting birds? A. This would not be a problem, because the president is protected by Secret Service agents chosen specifically on the basis of their willingness to, in the line of duty, step in front of a duck. Q. What about deer hunters? Can we use the same technology to make their sport more exciting? A. Tragically, at this time we do not have a gun capable of accurately firing an animal the size of a deer, although I would strongly support a project to develop one, using, as test ammunition, humanely sedated Tobacco Institute scientists. But until we perfect a deer gun, we can go with an interim solution suggested by a Jan. 12 article in the central Pennsylvania Centre Daily Times, written by Jerilynn Schumacher and sent in by alert reader Paul Dietzel. This article concerns efforts by the Pennsylvania Army National Guard to help a group of endangered animals called ''fishers,'' which are described as ''house-cat-sized members of the weasel family.'' (I am not making any of this up.) The article states that, to feed some fishers in a remote area, ''Guardsmen dropped 17 frozen, road-killed deer and 100 pounds of dead, smelly fish from a Chinook helicopter as it flew 50 to 150 feet above the ground.'' I can think of few events that would add more ''zing'' to a hunting expedition than the possibility of being squashed like a plump gun-toting grape by the frozen carcass of a mature, fish-encrusted deer (or, if there are any left over, a Tobacco Institute scientist). If you're as excited as I am about using the National Guard for this purpose next deer season, I urge you to write a letter to this nation's supreme military commander, ''Newt'' Gingrich. If, however, you are in any way offended by any of the proposals I have made in this column, please let me know, because I care what you think. So send your letters of complaint directly to me, Patrick Buchanan, c/o Editor, Global Gas Turbine News, 2038 George Jetson Way, Mars. Or, for a faster response, just lean out your window and shoot. Then duck. |
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