 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
Jokes
Jokes2
Jokes3
Jokes4
Jokes5
Yo Mamma Jokes
Yo Mamma So Fat
Rednecks
Rednecks2
Rednecks3
The Beer Prayer
Chicken Cross the Road
Barts Chalkboard
Pizza Prank Calls
Fart Calendar
Bad Excuses
Bad Excuses2
Sayings
Funny Ads
Alabama Application
Drug Test
Are You Normal
101 Ways to be Annoying
If Apple Made Cars
If Microsoft Made Cars
Stories
Q and A
Knock Knocks
Blondes
Yo Mamma Jokes2
Other Sites
Courtroom Quotes
20 Shortest Books
50 things to do in elevator
Blondes2
Tips for Living
15 Problems for Mike Tyson
Bad Pick Up Lines
Bad 1st Date
Batmans Pet Peeves
Being Vice President
Insurance Claims
Attractive Test
Revenge of the Blondes
Women Jokes
Jewish Jokes
Holiday Humor
Sports Jokes
Bill Clinton
Blondes 3
Blondes 4
Fairy Tales
Bar Jokes
Mother in Law Jokes
Animal Jokes
April Fools Pranks
Irish Jokes
Ethnic Jokes
Religious Jokes
Computer Humor
Sport Jokes
Automobile Humor
Women Jokes 2
Work Jokes
Music
Pick
Jorgenson
Jokes7
Q and A2
Yo Mamma So Stupid 2
Yo Mamma So Ugly 2
Yo Mamma So Fat 2
Jokes 6
Jewish Jokes 2
Quotes
Supermodel Wisdom
Deep Jokes
Microsoft Jokes
Blondes 5
| ||||||
| Q. What is the difference between a striker and a puppy? A. Puppys eventually stop whining. Q. Did you hear about the defender who locked his keys in his car? A. It took them 2 hours to get the goalkeeper out. Q. Why can't a gorilla play stopper? A. A gorilla is too sensitive. Q. What do you call a coach with a mortgage? A. Optimistic. Q. How many goalkeepers does it take to change a light bulb? A. What, is it like, dark, man? Q. What do you call an American in the finals of the world cup? A. "Hey Beer Man!" Q. What do you call an Englishman in the finals of the world cup? A. The Referee Q. What do the Pope and John Elway have in common? A. They have both packed Mile High Stadium with everyone on their feet saying "Jesus Christ". Q. What do you call a skydiver with no arms and no legs? A. Give up?.....It's Mark!! Q. And what was the name of his dog?? A. It's Spot! Q. What's the difference between a skydiver and a golfer? A. A golfer goes "[WHACK] ... Oh shit!". A skydiver goes "Oh shit! ... [WHACK]" Q. How can you tell a good 4-way team from a bad 4-way team? A. A good 4-way team going in sounds like "[WHACK]". A bad 4-way team goes "[WHACK] ... [WHACK][WHACK] ... [WHACK]" Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a well-mannered professional torturer? A. The torturer would apologize first. Q. Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road? A. Someone on the other side could still walk. Q. What do aerobics instructors and people who make bacon have in common? A. They both tear hams into shreds. Q. How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb? A. Four!...Three!...Two!...One! Q. An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first? A. It doesn't matter - none of them exist. Q. What do you call an aerobics instructor who doesn't cause pain & agony? A. Unemployed. Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist? A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you. So ya know, I've been taking these kung-fu classes lately. I must say,they are great. Teach you how to be as powerful as a tiger, as quick as a monkey, as smart as a dragon. Why just the other day, these guys came up to me with a knife and demanded money. So, I turned into a chicken and ran!!!!!! One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a Judo tournament. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I have Kano, Mifune, Kotani, Kimura and all the greatest players up here". "Yes", snickered the Devil, "but I have all the referees." A farmer dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that a farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80 percent humidity. So the Devil goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy. The farmer says, "I like it here, the temperature is just like plowing my fields in June." The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90 percent. After turning everything up he goes looking for the farmer. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy. The farmer says, "This is even better, it's like pulling weeds in the fields during July." The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the farmer suffer, so he turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100 percent. Once again, he goes looking for the farmer, and finds him sitting on the floor -- even happier than before! The farmer turns to the Devil and says, "This is great, it's just like working in the silo with my friends in August." The Devil says, "That's it, I'll get this farmer." He goes over and turns the temperature down to 25 degrees and sets the weather control to SNOW. "Lets see what the farmer has to say about THIS." A little while later, the Devil finds the farmer -- only NOW he's jumping up and down for joy and yelling, "The Packers have finally won the Superbowl!" What do you do when your opponent claims to have found his ball in the rough and you know he's a liar because his ball is in your pocket? A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the goddamn ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Well, hell, man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!" This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years ! ", he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years ! " She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic !" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" And the man replies, "My God ! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there !" Rich texans are fabled for their grand style but when one oil tycoon appeared at a local golf course followed by a servant pulling a foam-cushioned chaise- lounge, his opponents thought that was taking style too far. "J.R., are you going to make that poor caddie lug that couch all over the course after you?" he was asked. "Caddie, my eye," explained J.R. "That's my psychiatrist." Two golfers were discussing a bill that Harry, the hospital administrator, had sent to Bill, a recent father. "Harry, this is too much for the use of the delivery room. You know I didn't get my wife there in time and the baby was born on the hospital's front lawn." Harry took the bill, crossed out the offending entry and substituted another. "Greens Fee," it read. A woman playing golf was stung by a bee. Afraid she'd have an allergic reaction, she ran back to the clubhouse to find the pro. Finding him, she says breathlessly, "I've been stung by a bee! What shall I do?" "Where were you stung?" the pro asks. "Between the first and second hole!" "Lady, we gotta work on your stance." Four married guys go golfing over the weekend and on Sunday during the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued. First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, 'Wear your sweater.'" It was the annual baseball game between the townspeople and the prisoners. When his turn at bat came up, the leading hitter of the prison team took a vicious swing and sent the ball zooming into the far reaches of the outfield. He rounded first. He rounded second. He rounded third. He headed for home. They finally caught him between third base and the border. God and Satan were going to have a baseball game. God proudly states that Satan doesn't have a chance, as God has Mickey Mantle, Joe Dimaggio, Lou Gherig, Babe Ruth, and all the other legends of the game. Satan chuckles quietly and says, "Yeah, but I have the umps." Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it me," Bob replied. "This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" "Tell me the good news first." "Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl." "Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?" "You're pitching tomorrow night." At a resort, a guy walks up to an older fellow who is sitting in the sun, sipping iced tea. Young guy says, "Hey, how about a round of golf?" "Nah," the older fellow replies, "tried it once, didn't like it." "Well, how about a swim? It'll be more refreshing that your iced tea there." "Nah," the older fellow responds, "tried it once, didn't like it." "Young guy says, "Well, how about a game of tennis?" "Naw, tried it once and didn't like it. But my son will be here soon. He's usually up for a game or two." Young guy replies, "Your only child I presume?" This guy goes ice fishing, takes out an auger and starts drilling. LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: There's no fish there. Guy goes to another spot and drills. LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: There's no fish there, either. Guy tries a third spot. LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: Nope. Not there either. Guy, getting a little nervous: "Are you God? LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: No. I'm the arena manager. One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost. The owner replied, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and be of more help." So she did just that. After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said, "That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00." The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she laid a stinky, sqeaky fart. The owner rang up the sale and said, "That'll be fifty dollars." "Fifty dollars?!?!" the woman exclaimed. "You just told me that is was forty dollars a moment ago!" "Yes, I did", said the owner, "But that was for the reel. The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50." A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he explained the basics to his wife, he told her the most important piece of information: Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator! So they departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes later he heard his wife's gun go off. The husband decided to make sure she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone. When he got to his wife she was arguing with another man. When he finally got to his wife the man was shouting waving his hands in the air: Okay! Fine lady this is YOUR deer, but do you mind if I take my saddle off your deer before you take it away?!?! Two hunters were hunting deer when one accidently shot his friend. At the hospital the shooter asked the doctor if his friend would be ok. "Well, he WOULD have been if you hadn't gutted him." Two hunters shot a deer, and were dragging him to the car by the hind leg, which was difficult because the other legs kept snagging in the brush. "Chet, I've got an idea, I think we are doing this wrong. Let's try dragging him by the horns, like we were advised by the ammo store salesman." "OK," says Ivan. After a while, Ivan says, "I think this is a lot better because his legs fold up and don't get caught in the brush, but we seem to be getting farther from the car." A hunter just tagged his deer as the game warden walked up. "Where's your license," asked the warden. "Don't know," said the hunter. "OK, you're under arrest for no license. Follow me to the road, and help me drag the deer," said the warden. "No way," said the hunter. "You drag it." Two hours later, after the warden had dragged the deer to the road, the hunter remembered which pocket held the license. A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you`ve had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here`s a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here`s an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here`s an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You`ve got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You`re so smart, YOU tell ME!" A skydiver returned home late one evening. His wife was quite upset and demanded to know why he was so late. He explained what had happened to him on the way home from the drop zone: "I was driving home and saw a car stopped beside the highway. A woman was out trying to change a tire, so I stopped to help. Her spare tire wasn't in very good shape, and I wanted to make sure she got home OK, so I drove along behind her. Once we got to her place, she invited me in for a drink. One thing led to another, and before I really knew what was happening we were in her bed having sex. Finally I realized how late it was and I left, jumped in the car and hurried home. I'm sorry I'm so late." "Don't lie to me, you [CDA-censored expletive]," his wife said. "You stayed and made another jump, didn't you?" A new guy shows up at the Drop Zone and asks to jump. His military records are in order (he was in an air- borne division), and he gets on the load. He even volunteers to spot, explaining that he was very good at it, having been "trained by the Army." The jump run approaches, and this guy is looking out the door...and looking... and looking... finally, he looks at another jumper and shrugs, "Where's the smoke?" Two angels, both former skydivers, were sitting on a cloud over Florida, watching the 222 way build. The DC-3s came lumbering by, everyone piled out, and the thing started building. Finally only one slot was empty. Thirty seconds later, the last jumper dives from one of the DC-3's. He goes into a standup, falls straight down into his slot, rolls onto his back, picks up grips, and flips back over. The angels are amazed by this. "wow!" says the first one. "That guy is amazing! He's incredible! That must have been Guy Manos." "Nope, that was Jesus Christ," the second one says. "He just thinks he's Guy Manos." A first jump student is in the plane, at 3000', and won't go. His jumpmaster, anxious to jump, glares at him and yells, "IF YOU DON'T JUMP, I'M GONNA F***K YOU UP THE ASS !!!" The next day, the student's friends ask him if he jumped. He replies, "Yea .... a little at first". Guy gets ready to make his first ten-second delay. His jumpmaster sees he's nervous and says, "Don't worry. Just get out there, arch, count to ten, and pull your main ripcord. If there's a problem with the main, you know you have a reserve. When you land, the truck will pick you up and take you back to the loft." So the guy exits, arches and pulls. Nothing happens. He reefs on his reserve ripcord. Dirty laundry comes out of the reserve container. He's falling faster, close to terminal, and he looks at the ground and says, "Great. I bet the f***ing truck won't be there, either." A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?" Two kung-fu masters were carrying on about their respective skills. "Why, my reflexes are such that you will not believe," boasted Master Foo and drawing his sword, he sliced at a passing fly,which promptly dropped dead in two pieces. "That's nothing," said Master Koh. Drawing his sword, he made two deft cuts at another passing fly. Master Foo was highly amused. "What are you talking about?" he sneered."That fly is still flying." "Ah yes," replied Master Koh,"but now it can never have children." The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?" |
|
||||||
|
. |
| Visitors: 01504 |