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Mike Tyson's Woes Continue One night after the big fight Mike Tyson was a bit depressed so he decided to get a prostitute to cheer him up. After the act, they were laying in bed having a smoke. The prostitute said "Well Mike, how's it all going?" "How's it all going?" he asked. "My life's a disaster. I was born to an under-privileged family, had a hard up-bringing, was thrown in jail for rape, now I'm on parole and I've hit a cop, my wife left me for beating her up, I have to pay maintenance for my kids, I've lost two world title fights, I've disgraced myself and my sport, they want to ban me for life and they won't pay me my money. Nothing could make my life any worse." "Oh, that's so sad" the prostitute said. "I'll say one thing to cheer you up. You're a much better lover than Magic Johnson!" The Top 15 New Problems for Mike Tyson 15 Fight controversy may adversely affect pro wrestling career. 14 Upcoming TV special with Martha Stewart in doubt. 13 That constant ringing in his mouth. 12 Spock vs. Tyson bout hastily cancelled. 11 Can't decide between the Crest & Tom's of Maine endorsement deals. 10 Kids really start to freak out whenever he tries to play "Got Your Nose." 9 New nickname of "Nipsy" less intimidating than "Iron Mike." 8 Has absolutely no idea how to handle his next opponent Vinny "No Ears" Bottatucci. 7 Nobel people called -- they want their peace prize back. 6 Saturday: Bite some guy's ear off. Sunday: Ozzy Osbourne won't stop pestering you to go for a drink. 5 Willing opponents now down to Vincent Van Gogh and J.Paul Getty, Jr. 4 Don King, fearing a loss of credibility, ups commission from 98 to 99% 3 ASPCA has yet to approve match with Marmaduke. 2 He's starting to make O.J. look respectable. and the Number 1 New Problem for Mike Tyson... 1 Recurring fantasies about Ross Perot and Prince Charles Proposed slogans for Holyfield-Tyson III: 10. The third Gogh around 9. Dahmer vs. Psalmer 8. The last supper 7. Ear-reconcilable differences 6. Grazing Bull 5. You wanna piece of me? 4. Blood, Sweat and Ears 3. Lobe's labor lost 2. Bite of the century 1. Why? Because I lobe it Tyson One-Liners 1. Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight? A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!! 2. Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off,he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two! 3. Evander after the fight,"Maybe I shouldn't have told him to 'Bite Me'" 4. Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS. 5. For the third fight between Mike and Evander,Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA. 6. New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!! 7. They are making a new boxing term for Tyson....instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh. "Evander was Van Gogh'd in the third!!!" 8. Can't beat um...Eat um!!!! 9. If Tyson fights Golatta,is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite? 10. In this corner Evander "the Real Meal" Holyfield!!!!!!! 11. Before the fight, Mike's trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice. 12. Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world! News Headlines Champ..Chomp..Chump -- Roanoke Times (VA) A Bad Bite for Boxing -- The News & Observer of Raleigh. Twice Bitten -- Times-Picayune of New Orleans. Bite of the Century! -- Arizona Republic. Bite Night -- Lexington (Ky.) Herald-Leader. Tyson's Tasteless Tactics: Bite Night -- The Record of Hackensack, N.J. Reality Bites -- Times Union of Albany, N.Y. Did Tyson Bite Off More Than He Can Chew? Time Will Tell Salt Lake Tribune. Tyson Subject of Biting Criticism -- The (Baltimore) Sun. Biting Commentary -- The Boston Herald. Tyson Bites the Dust, Holyfield -- Huntsville (Ala.) Times. Holyfield May Take a Bite Out of Tyson -- The Indianapolis Star. Holyfield Can't Stay Unbitten as Heavyweight -- Sun-Sentinel,Fort Lauderdale, Fla. Earmarks of cowardice -- Houston Chronicle. Earmark of an eerie night -- The Atlanta Journal A two-bit bout: Holyfield wins -- Kansas City Star. From Champ to Chomp -- The Herald-Sun of Durham, N.C. The Champ and the Chomp -- The Jersey Journal. Holyfield Still Chomp-ion -- San Francisco Examiner. Heavyweight Chomp -- Philadelphia Inquirer. Undisputed Chomp -- USA Today. World Chomp -- The Sun (London). Requiem for a Chompion -- Philadelphia Daily News. Sucker Munch -- The Sun (London). Biting Back: Evander has public's ear -- Daily News, New York. Toss Tyson Out on Ear -- Daily News, New York. Ear Flap -- Newsday. Ears Have It! Evander Wins -- Montgomery (Ala.) Advertiser. Tyson's Behavior Hard to Swallow -- Providence Journal-Bulletin. Dracula -- New York Post. Champ Chewing Over Legal Options -- New York Post. It's Tyson's Nature to (Ch)eat -- New York Post. For Tyson, Tooth Hurts -- New York Post. Now Ear This: Rematch is Possible -- New York Post. Lobe Blow for Boxing -- The Tennessean. Iron Mike Goes Down Biting -- The Sunday Oklahoman. Tyson Doesn't Gnaw What's Next -- The Daily Oklahoman. Ear of Scorn -- Kansas City Star. Pay Per Chew -- Philadelphia Daily News. Holyfield Lends Ear as Tyson Self-Destructs -- Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. Ear-Responsible -- Fort Worth Star-Telegram. Tyson Scars Face of Boxing -- The Guardian (London). Golf Tournament A man and wife were playing in their club's annual "Guys and Dolls" tournament. The man was not happy about having to play, but his wife had insisted. On the 12th tee, his patience had reached its limit. While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the men's. Unfortunately, he misjudged his shot and his ball hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly. At the hospital the doctor came to talk to the husband. "Mr. Davies, we found a golf ball lodged 3 inches into your wife's brain, which was the cause of death. But, we have found something else that really puzzles us." "What is it?" asked Mr. Davies. "Well," said the doctor, "we also found a golf ball lodged 6 inches into her anal cavity." The husband dismissed the doctor with a wave of his hand "Oh, that was just my Mulligan!" The Ladies Tees A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot. As he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system. "Will the gentleman on the ladies tee please move back to the men’s tee! He looked up and then resumed addressing the ball again. The voice again- "Will the Man on the Red tees move back to the White Tees"!! He looked back at the starters shack and said, "Will the man on the p.a. shut up so that the man on the ladies tee can hit his second shot". Golf Defined GOLF, n. [1] a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic. [2] a game of opposites - the world's slowest people are ahead of you, and the fastest are behind. [3] the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off {Chi Chi Rodriguez}. [4] a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink, and financially in the red. [5] a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort. [6] is like a love affair - if you don't take it seriously, it's no fun, if you do, it breaks your heart. [7] a game a lot like taxation - you drive hard to get to the green, and then you find yourself in a hole. GOLF CART, n. [1] A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count, criticize, nor snicker. GOLFER, n. [1] a person who yells "fore," takes six, and puts down five; [2] a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he doesn't have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day. Stevie Wonder Golf Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how's the golf." Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I am still making a bit of money. I have had some problems with my swing but I think I have got that right now." Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be alright." Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!" Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years." And Nicklaus says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?" He replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands. The caddy moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." "But how do you putt", says Nicklaus. "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Nicklaus says: "What is your handicap." Stevie says "Well I play off scratch." Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies: "Well people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks about it and says "OK, I'm up for that-when would you like to play?" "I don't care-any night next week is ok with me." Wonder replies The Golf Confessional A man walks into confessional and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned..." The priest replies, "What is it that brings you here?" "Well father, I used the F-word over the weekend." "Oh is that all? Say five Hail Mary's and may the Lord be with you." The man replies, "but I really need to talk about it." "Let's have it then," the priest says as he leans back on the hard wooden bench. You see Father, "I was playing golf this weekend and on the first tee, I was lining up my drive and proceeded to hit a horrendous slice into the trees." "And that's when you cursed aloud?" the Father queried. "No, not yet. As luck would have it, I found my ball and had a clear shot to the green from a nice lie; when all of a sudden, a squirrel scampered out of some bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and darted up a tree." "That must have been when you cursed?" "No, because just as the squirrel had climbed to the top of the tree, a bird swooped out of the skies and grabbed the squirrel with its talons. The bird flew out the trees and back out over the green. Then, the squirrel dropped my ball from its mouth landing 5 inches from the cup!" "And that's when you cursed aloud," the priest said assuredly. "No, no.." The Father interjected, "Don't tell me you missed the f-ing putt!" The Woman Golfer A woman tries her skill at golf. Her first shot ends up deep in the rough. While searching for the ball, she gets a horrible case of poison ivy. After several weeks of recovery, she gives it another try, and again her first shot ends up in the rough. This time, while looking for the ball, she steps on a sharp, metal object and requires several stitches. Refusing to give up, she goes back out the next day. Once again, her first shot sails off into the rough. While digging around for her ball, she gets stung by a wasp. Furious, she storms back to the club house, where she vows never to play the game again. The golf pro, upon hearing her announcement, tries to offer comfort. "Don't you think you're over-reacting?" he asks. "Every time I hit the ball, it goes in the rough, and then something terrible happens!" she shouts. "I'll bet there's something in your technique that I could change with a few suggestions and you'd be fine", he consoles her. "Oh yeah? Well I just got stung by a wasp! What could you possibly say that could have prevented that?" she asks angrily. "Where did you get stung?" he inquires. "Between the first and second holes", she snaps. "See there", he responds, "Your stance is too wide" How To Play Golf First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, 'Wear your sweater.'" The Great Golf Gotcha Due to the large amount of downloads and visits to the site we have had to take on sponsorship. To help us keep bringing you jokes and multimedia files I ask that you support our sponsors and be sure to click through and visit them when you visit jokefest.com . Anyway enough of that crap and on with the jokes. One day the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I am , to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'." The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were greatly amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand up between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?" The Little Hero Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Forty Niners' Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Niners' fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in San Francisco I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Oakland Raiders' Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Raiders' fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in the Bay Area was either for the Niners or Raiders. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Cowboys' fan." the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet." Advice for Men While Golfing or Peeing in Public 10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. 9. Form a loose grip. 8. Keep your head down. 7. Avoid a quick back swing. 6. Stay our of the water. 5. Try not to hit anyone. 4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you. 3. Don't stand directly in front of others. 2. Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go. 1. Don't take extra strokes. The Football Star Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms. "Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw me the cat." "No," she cries, "It's too far." "I play football, I can catch him." The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street. Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline, bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers. Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement. The Golf Challenge A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall." Trouble around the Stables A dwarf with a lisp goes to an agricultural show to buy a mare. He wanders around until he comes across a beautiful mare inside a small enclosure with a farmer standing at the gate. He goes up to the farmer and says, "Excuth me, can I have a look at your horth?" "Sure", says the farmer, "come on in." The dwarf wanders round and round the mare and then stops, says to the farmer "Her eyeth, her eyeth, I want to see her eyeth." The farmer has to bend down and pick up the dwarf to show him the mare's eyes. "Nithe eyeth, nithe eyeth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth." Once again the dwarf wanders around the horse, in turn asking the farmer to pick him up and show him the mare's ears and exclaiming, "Nithe earth, nithe earth, I like thith horthe, I like thith horthe, I think I want to buy thith horthe." The farmer is starting to get pissed off by this stage because the dwarf is quite heavy. Suddenly the dwarf stops in his tracks and says, "Her twat. her twat, I want to see her twat!" The farmer, infuriated, picked up the dwarf and drives him head first into the mare's arse. He leaves the dwarf's little legs kicking and wanders off to talk to his mates for a couple of minutes. He then comes back and extracts the dwarf from his position. The dwarf wipes himself down and says. "I think I better wephrase that...I'd like to thee her gallop!" |
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