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| Q. Why do people say "Amen" and not "Awomen"? A. Because they sing hymns and not hers. Q. What does the Zen guru says to the hot dog vendor? A. "Make me one with everything..." Q. What does a Jehova's Witness do when she loses her faith? A. She rings your doorbell for no reason. Q. Who was the fastest runner in history? A. Adam. He was first in the human race. Q. How do you save a drowning Christian? A. There's no need to; they're already saved. Q. What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a Mormon? A. 30 days worth of stolen food in the basement. Q. Why don't Baptists have sex standing up? A. Someone might think they're dancing. Q. How come no one ever came up with any jokes about the Jonestown incident? A. The punchlines were too long. Q. What do the Pope and 7-UP have in common? A. "Never had it, never will." Q. Why didn't Jesus get into college? A. He got hung up on his boards. Q. What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common? A. They both have balls just for decoration. Q. What did Adam say to Eve on their first evening together? A. "Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets!" Q. How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish? A. When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him. Q. Why did God create men? A. Cucumbers don't take out the garbage. Q. What's the difference between a wrestler and a priest? A. This is a half-nelson. (apply a half-nelson to the joke-ee) This is a full-nelson. (apply a full-nelson to the joke-ee) (now begin to vigorously hump the joke-ee) This is Father Nelson! After painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, the Pope asked Michaelangelo what part of the job was the most difficult. He replied, "Staying in the lines." In the dead of night a geezer wakes up his wife, telling her, "Mildred, I've just seen a miracle! I went to take a leak and the light came on all by itself--I never even touched the switch. Then when I left, the light went off all by itself! A miracle, I tell you!" Wife says, "Fred, you old fool, you've pissed in the ice box again!" A man was taken to court for stealing an item from a store. The man said to the judge, "Your Honor, I'm a Christian. I've become a new man. But I have and old nature also. It was not my new man who did wrong. It was my old man." The judge responded, "Since it was the old man that broke the law, we'll sentence him to 60 days in jail. And since the new man was an accomplice in the theft, we'll give him 30 days, too. I therefore sentence you both to 90 days in jail." The little boy returned from his first experience in church and was asked how it went. He said, "The music and singing were nice, but the commercial was too long." The church was conducting its annual fund drive. One member of the congregation said, "I give ten dollars." Just then, a piece of plaster fell from the ceiling and landed on his head. He spoke up again quickly. "I give a thousand dollars!" The minister said, "Lord, hit him again!" The sermon had been going on endlessly. Finally the minister's voice cracked and said, "What more can I say?" One parishioner yelled, "How about `Amen'!" Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said. "Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess." "There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right." "No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you." Jake stroked her hand. "Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?" In a monastery in Wyoming, everyday before breakfast the Superior would chant "Good Morning, Good Morning" and the Brothers would all chant back "Good Morning, Good Morning." There was only one problem with this morning chant, one Brother thought it was the stupidest thing in the world. He really hated it. One morning he decided that he would get them all back and hopefully stop this stupidity. That morning he went to breakfast and the Superior came in and chanted "Good Morning, Good Morning" and all the Brothers except the one chanted, "Good Morning, ..." At this the one Brother chanted as loud as he could, "Good Evening." Upon hearing this the Superior stood up and chanted "Someone Chanted Evening!" The monks of a monastery in southern England decided to do some renovation work on their building, but they were badly in debt and had no income. They decided to sell fish `n' chips to make some profit. Their first customer approached one of the Brothers and asked, "Are you the fish fryer?" "No," was the reply, "I'm the chip monk." A young man is lost and walking in the desert. One hot day, he spots the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out, he sees the missionaries horse. He goes back into the house and asks the him if he could borrow his horse. The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say `Thank God' to make it go and `Amen' to make it stop." Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok." So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees a cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!!" The horse stops four inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God." The Franciscans, Dominicans and Jesuits were having a big meeting that went well into the middle of the night. Suddenly all the lights went out in the meeting room. The Franciscans immediately took out guitars and sang songs, the Dominicans began preaching, and the Jesuits went to the basement, found the fuse box and reset the breaker. A Jesuit and Franciscan sat down to dinner.... after dinner pie was served. The pie had two pieces, one cut small the other large... the Jesuit reached over and took the larger piece for himself. The Franciscan remonstrated: "St. Francis always taught us to take the meaner piece." The Jesuit replied: "And so you have it." A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, over come with awe at the of sight God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his knees, Adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family. The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, "So, where ya thinking of sending the kid for school? A Dominican, a Franciscan and a Jesuit priest were in the same hospital room and all on their death beds. Suddenly the Angel of Death appeared before them and informed them that it was their time, however before he would take the three of them he would allow them to each have one last request. The Dominican went first and he asked to gaze upon the face of his Savior before he was to leave this world. In an instant the face appeared before him, he was satisfied and felt he could die with no regrets. The Franciscan was next and he asked to touch the wounds in the hands and feet of Jesus before he died. No sooner than he had asked the pierced hands and feet appeared before him. He touched them and he too was content. Finally the Angel of Death turned to the Jesuit and asked what his final request was. Without hesitation the Jesuit replied: "I'd like a second opinion." There was a priest's retreat at some retreat house and during the course of it the retreat master asked them to break up into groups of three. They were then to share their deepest darkest secrets, things they had never shared with anyone else ever. The Dominican priest after much hemming and hawing said that he was an alcoholic. He had been so ashamed to tell anyone before. He drank all the time and just couldn't kick the problem. He was so glad that in the sacredness of this small group he could share this and now he felt so good, so free. The Franciscan priest hesitated, but finally said he thought he could trust the other two and that his problem was gambling. He had been unable to control his urge to go to bet way beyond his means. He was also very ashamed of his habit and was so grateful that he could finally share it in such a context with his fellow priest. It was the Jesuit's turn. He told the other two that he was grateful for their openness and honesty. He said he was so ashamed of his own problem. He had been working on it for years but hadn't yet gotten a handle on it. He had tried hypnosis and therapy, but nothing, he said, had helped him overcome his compulsion to gossip. A young minister had just got out of the seminary, got his first church, and was preaching his first sermon. He started out with a quote, "Behold I cometh...." but he couldn't remember the rest of it. In the seminary, they had told him that if he forgot something, just back up and repeat what he had said, and maybe it would come back to him. So, he said again, "Behold I cometh....' but he still couldn't remember. So he reared back and shouted again, "BEHOLD I COMETH..." but this time, he tripped over the pulpit and fell onto a little woman sitting in the first row. He was embarrassed and started apologizing. "It ain't your fault," the woman said. "You told me you was coming three times, and I never did move!" On the airplane on his way back to Rome, The Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. After a while, he turned the the bishop sitting next to him and said, "What's a four -letter word ending in "unt" which means "woman"? The bishop said, "Did you try "aunt"? The Pope said, "Mmmm. Do you have an eraser?" One day God called the Pope, and he said "John Paul I have good news and bad news. First the good news. I am tired of all the squabbling between the religions. I have decided there will be only the one true religion". The Pope was overjoyed and told God how wise his decision was, then asked "What's the bad news?". God said the bad news is that I am calling from Salt Lake City. A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church". The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed". "Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...." Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed". Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves. Next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and bad news. "The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion". "The bad news is that we are losing The Sunshine Bread Account". One fine autumn day, the Pope decided to take a casual stroll through the gardens at the Vatican. During his walk he came upon a pretty young nun bending over picking flowers. He gazed at her curvaceous form beneath her habit then opted to mosey towards the large bushes to take care of some "personal" business. His eyes closed, the Pope concentrated on the business "at hand." As he approached his climax he saw a flash, and quickly opened his eyes. Apparently someone had taken a picture! He arranged himself and ran toward the area where the flash had come from. Just a few feet ahead he noted a couple taking photos of the Vatican grounds. Composed, the Pope approached them and began talking. "My, that's a very nice camera you have there." "Thank you. We bought it just for this trip." "You know," the Pope replied, " I really need a camera. How much would you take for the camera that you have there?" The couple looked at each other and turned back to the Pope. "I'm sorry Father, but this is a very special camera to us. We've already taken some very wonderful pictures during our vacation." The Pope frowned, looked away and began to think. Turning back to the couple he said, "I really like that camera. Perhaps you'd take $500 for it?" The couple again looked at each other, then turned back to the Pope. "No. We don't think so." The Pope, quite antsy by now said "Okay. I'll give you $1000 dollars for that camera." The couple looked at each other, smiled, then said to the Pope, "Okay, you have a deal." The Pope took the camera, hung it around his neck, and said "Thank you." Relieved, he began to stroll the grounds of the Vatican. Soon he noticed a woman with an identical camera draped around her neck. Curious, he approached her. "Hi. Beautiful day, isn't it? By the way, I noticed your camera." The lady replied, " Yes. Thank you. I've been taking pictures while on holiday." The Pope smiled, pointed to the camera draped around his neck, and said "If you don't mind, I have to ask a question. I just purchased an identical camera, but I wonder how much you paid?" The woman noted the Pontiff's camera and replied, "Well, Father, I bought this at the shop for $400." The Pope grimaced, and replied "My. You certainly got a better deal than I. My camera cost me $1000." The woman shook her head, looked to the Pope, and said "Oh dear. Someone must have seen you coming!" A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of the Holy Family. After the pictures were brought to her, she saw that some of the youngsters had drawn the conventional pictures....the Holy Family and the manger, the Holy Family riding on the mule, etc. But she called up one little boy to ask him to explain his drawing, which showed an airplane with four heads sticking out of the plane windows. She said, "I can understand that you drew three of the heads to show Joseph, Mary, and Jesus. But who's the fourth head?" "Oh," answered the boy, "that's Pontius the pilot!" A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away." An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened....not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, "Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?" The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment. The quick-thinking minister's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure you'll be glad to greet her." Thirteen ministers were on a flight to New York. When they came into a large storm, they told the stewardess to tell the pilot that everything would be okay because 13 ministers were on board. Later the stewardess returned from the cockpit. "What did the pilot say?" one preacher asked. "He said he was glad to have 13 ministers aboard but he would rather have four good engines." At the Sunday service, the minister decided to lead the congregation in a prayer for much-needed rain. Farmer Olson didn't join in. Asked by another farmer why he'd refrained, he said, "I've been noticing.....praying don't do much good without a wind from the southwest!" A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell...the nut has gone to heaven." Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything -- noise, spray, cats-- nothing seems to scare them away." Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they still won't go away." The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church . . . haven't seen one back since!" A priest was vested in his surplus and cassock ready to process at the beginning of the service. His surplus was very ornate and he was swinging the incense pot which had smoke coming from it. A lady touched him on the shoulder and said, "Darling, I love your dress; but your purse is on fire! A farmer named Clancey lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he cherished. The dog grew old and died. Clancey went to the parish priest, saying, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a mass for the poor creature?" Father Mike told the farmer, "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church; however, there's a new denomination down the road apiece...not sure of their beliefs...but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Clancey said, "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Mike replied, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!" A lady approaches a priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?", the priest asked. "They only know how to say `Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'" "That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." "Thank you." said the lady. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?" One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE BEADS AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!" A bunch of preachers are having a meeting in the rectory of a Catholic priest. Just as they're silently tuning up for some heavy orations, the priest offers all of them a whiskey to ease tensions and get the smell of religious napalm out of the air. "Don't mind if I do, thanks," says the Methodist vicar, who slugs down three fingers of Wild Turkey. |
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