Quotes
"I am the person most qualified to host a talk show. I have five kids from three different marriages. I come from a trailer park; my sister and brother are both gay; I have multiple personalities; and the National Enquirer reunited me with my daughter, who I had given up for adoption."
- Roseanne Barr, in Harper's Bazaar
When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
"I can't go straight home 'cause the road's crooked."
-- Linton Garner
"You're a parasite for sore eyes."
--attributed to actor/director Gregory Ratoff
"I Have no weakness for shoes. I wear very simple shoes which are pump shoes. It is not one of my weaknesses."
Imelda Marcos, former First Lady of the Philippines and owner of 3,400 pairs of shoes
"You are nothing but old nuts!"
--translation in a French newspaper of U. S. Army general Anthony McAuliffe's reply-"Nuts!"
-to a German demand for surrender at Bastogne in 1941
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
--Ernest Bevin, British foreign minister from 1945 to 1951
"I regret to say, that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral- genital intimacy unless it has somehow interfered with interstate commerce."
- J. Edgar Hoover
"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."
- Mark Twain
If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.
- Vince Lombardi
Football combines two of the worst things about American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
- George Will
"Ella, Ella, Ella...Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run away! Death *really* hates that."
- Doctor, Doctor
You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long.
- Boris Yeltsin
"More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
- Woody Allen
``The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties.''
- Oscar Wilde
"The people in the Navy look on motherhood as being compatible with being a woman."
- Rear Admiral James R. Hogg
"I think you should profit from the mistakes of others. You don't live long enough to make them all yourself."
- Lowell Ferguson (airline pilot who once landed in the wrong airport)
The rung of a ladder was never meant to rest upon, but only to hold a man's foot long enough to put the other somewhat higher.
-ThomasHuxley
Avoid the company of deluded people when you can. When you cannot, keep your own counsel.
-Taken from: Buddha's Little Instruction Book by Jack Kornfield
"There is always something more important than what you are doing."
- Sriram Ramkrishna
"There is no reason why a joke should not be appreciated more than once . Imagine how little good music there would be if, for example, a conducto refused to play Beethoven's Fifth Symphony on the ground that his audience might have heard it before."
- A.P. Herbert
"The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth."
- Niels Bohr
"There is nothing more interesting than a man with a future or a woman with a past."
- Oscar Wilde
Carl Sagan: "All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value." "A cat almost always blinks when you whack it in the head with a ballpean hammer."
- Anon
"What we imagine is order is merely the prevailing form of chaos."
- Kerry Thornley, Principia Discordia, 5th edition
"I went to a massage parlor. It was self service."
"To err is human
And stupid."
- Robert Byrne
"de gustibus non est disputandum"
- Unknown
"It is useless for the sheep to pass resolutions in favor of vegetarianism while the wolf remains of different opinion."
- William Ralph Inge
"An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less, until he knows absolutely everything about nothing."
- Murphy
"The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep."
- Woody Allen
"Never insult seven men when all your packing is a six-shooter."
- Zane Gray
"Throw strikes. Home plate don't move."
- Satchel Paige
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
- Mark Twain
"Rule #1 is, don't sweat the small stuff. Rule #2 is, it's all small stuff."
- Dr. Robert S. Eliot
"Progress is a process of exchanging old troubles for new ones."
- found in a fortune cookie
No man can step into the same river twice, for the second time it is not the same river, and he is not the same man."
- Heraclitus
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."
- Franklin P. Jones
"Women's creed: Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for 20 years."
"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. "
- Jane Wagner
"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions. "
- Woody Allen
"There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no longer know how to use my telephone. "
- Stroustrup
"Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove."
- Ashleigh Brilliant
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
- Erica Jong
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
- Rita Mae Brown
"Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein."
- Joe Theisman (Former quarterback)
"If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity."
- Bill Vaughan
"I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs."
- Samuel Goldwyn
"Crime does not pay... as well as politics."
- Alfred E. Newman
"Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve."
- George Bernard Shaw
"Taxation WITH representation ain't so hot either."
- Gerald Barzan
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
"In your thirst for knowledge, be sure not to drown in all the information."
- Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
"What information consumes is rather obvious: it consumes the attention of its recipients. Hence, a wealth of information creates a poverty of attention and a need to allocate that attention efficiently among the overabundance of information sources that might consume it."
- Herbert Simon, economist
"No matter how much spin, effort, lunch or dinner you give the media, they will not fail to notice whether you have won or lost."
- Robin Renwick, former British ambassador to the United States
"The one function TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were."
- David Brinkley
"An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger."
- Dan Rather
Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.
- Lt. Henry Mon, USAF, circa 1961
In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said "Let there be light", and there was still nothing, but you could see it.
- Dave Thomas, SCTV
"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of."
- Burt Bacharach
"Love is like Pi: natural, irrational, and very important."
- Lisa Hoffman
"Familiarity breeds contempt - and children."
- Mark Twain
"And my parents finally realize that I`m kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room."
- Woody Allen
"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them."
- P. J. O`Rouke.
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