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| Q. Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with newspaper? A. Yes, if you wrap an iron in it. Q. What's the right planting depth for "Mother-in-law's Tongue"? A. 6 feet. I know a mother-in-law who sleeps in her spectacles, the better to see her son-in-law suffer in here dreams. - Attributed to Ernest Coquelin However much you dislike you mother-in-law you must not set fire to her. - Ernest Wild Distrust all mothers-in-law. They are completely unscrupulous in what they say in court. The wife's mother is always more prejudiced against the husband than even the most ill-treated wife. If I had my way, I amm afraid I would abolish mothers-in-law entirely. - Sir Geoffrey Wrangham Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law. Adam and Eve were the happiest and the luckiest couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law. Sometimes you cannot tell if a man is trying so hard to be a success to please his wife or to spite his mother-in-law. Does it really surprise anyone that Mother-in-Law's Day occurs less than one week before Halloween? My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday. How is she now ? She's fine. But, the dog died. Hello. Your mother-in-law fell into my pool with crocodiles. - The crocodiles are yours, so you save them. A pharmacist tells a customer: - In order to buy arsenic you should need a legal prescription. A picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough. Mother to daughter. - Your boyfriend such a jerk that I would be delighted to be his mother-in-law. A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mothers birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric." The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?" The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door there was my mother-in-law on the front step. She said "Can I stay here for a few days?" I said: "Sure you can." and shut the door in her face. I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her. It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut! The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?" Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all three." One day a husband was late coming from work and his wife was nervous. "Oh, I know he has an affair with some woman," she said to her mother. "Why do you always think the worst?" her mother replied, "Maybe he is just in some kind of accident." At the funeral, a priest was consoling the bereaved man "Come, come my good man, tears cannot restore your mother-in-law." "Yes, I know... thats why I'm crying." Have you heard about this man who took his mother-in-law to the zoo and threw her into the crocodile pool. He is now being sued by the RSPCA for being cruel to the crocodiles. Two neighbours were having a chat when one said, "I took my dog to the vet today because it bit my mother-in-law." The other asked, "Did you put it to sleep?" "No, of course not," said the first, "I had its teeth sharpened." My mother-in-law was bitten by a mad dog in the street."Oh, thats terrible" "Yes, it was terrible to watch the dog die slowly in convulsions." The president of the service club asked his new member, "Would you like to donate something to the home for the aged?" The new member replied, "Yes, my mother-in-law." Wife: Dear, this afternoon the big clock fell off the wall. Had it fallen a moment sooner, my mother would have been hit on the head and badly hurt. Husband : Oh, my God! That clock has always been slow. A husband is looking for a saw and asks his wife: -Have you seen our old saw? Mother-in-law replies from the kitchen: -Even if I am a saw, I am not old yet. My wife's mother is the model mother-in-law. -What do you mean? -There is no joke in entire world which is not suitable for her. A man tries to throw a lady from the window. She opposed. The crowd shouts: -Stop it, man! The lady is alive. -This is not a lady, this is my mother-in-low, replies the guy. The crowd shouts: Look, she even resists... The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order" , make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest. "What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor. His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law". Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?" "Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!" Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far eastern country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family. Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to recieve 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled. Mrs. Mueller is first. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings." "Okay, that shall be granted to you." Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows. Next it is Mueller's mother-in-law's turn. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings." "Okay, that shall be granted to you." The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows. Then comes Mueller himself. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?" "Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable." "I would like 100 lashes instead of 50." The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies,"Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you.And what is your second wish?" "I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back." |
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