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| Do you know why is California over-populated with lawyers and New Jersey has too many toxic waste dumps? New Jersey had first choice. Submitted by Don -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my new BMW!!!", he shrieked. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my Gaaad....", replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the first time the bloody stump where his left arm had once been. "We gota find it. It has my Rolex???!!!!!" Submitted by Jim -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call 1000 lawyers chained together under the sea? A: a good start Submitted by Blondie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walks into a lawyers office and sits himself down. "How much?" "$150 for three questions." "That's quite expensive. Are you any good?" "The best there is. Now then, what's your third question?" Submitted by muck -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At the height of happy hour, a drunk stood up and yelled, "All lawyers are assholes." "Hey, I resent that," a guy at the bar yelled back. Why?" the first guy asked, "are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm an asshole." Submitted by Dom B. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy finds a magic lamp, rubs it, and out comes a Genie. The Genie gives the man 3 wishes, but ads the caveat that whatever he wishes for goes twice for lawyers. "I wish to have 10 million dollars," the man says. The Genie grants his wish and gives double the amount to all lawyers. "I wish for a loving, sexy, beautiful woman who is eternally devoted to me." The Genie grants his wish and gives two such woman to all lawyers. After some pause the man begins to smile. Intrigued, the Genie asks, "What is your final wish, my Master." The man replied, "I wish to donate a kidney." Submitted by Mike -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? A: Your honor. Q: What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? A: Senator. Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline! Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A: The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead. Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? A: Depends on how thin you slice them. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers? A: Because after they die, they lie still. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water. Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? A: Never enough. Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor? A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print. Q: What is the difference between God and a lawyer? A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer. Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road? A: To get to the car accident on the other side. Q: Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. Q: Who do lawyers never take their cats to the beach? A: Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand. Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common? A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being. Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives? A: Their personalities. If a vampire bites a lawyer, isn't that cannibalism? Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps? A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on. Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer? A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours. Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? A: About three pounds, including the urn. Submitted by Bob Texzan Jokes They say the only reason Texas doesn't fall into the Gulf of Mexico is because Oklahoma sucks. The dumbest man in Oklahoma moved to Texas, raising the average IQ of both states. ghasting@halcyon.com Greg Hastings Awhile ago, when Texans began to invade Rocky Mountain ski resorts, a popular bumper sticker read: "If God Had Meant For Texans To Ski, He Would Have Made Bullshit White". Around Guthrie Oklahoma, they tell the story of the visitor from Texas who was bigger than any man they had ever seen. Unfortunately, he fell sick. When he was obviously on his deathbed, the undertaker got worried. He didn't have a coffin big enough to fit him in stock. The undertaker took his worries to the doctor. Who understood. Doc gave Tex an enema, and the next day they buried him in a shoebox. A Texan was visiting South of the border, when he heard a Mexican say, "Loco Gringo!" "You have to remember," he replied' "That there is a fine line between genius and insanity," "Yes. We call it the Rio Grande." He had a smile like a Texas river. A mile wide and an inch deep. There is a story that the devil once owned Texas. You can understand why he preferred to live in Hell. |
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