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| Once there were three construction workers. When it was lunchtime one day, they all sat down together. The first one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, turkey! I hate turkey!" So he shot himself with a rivet gun. The second one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, ham! I hate ham!" So he jumped off the building. The third one opened his box and said, "Eeew, mac and cheese! I hate mac and cheese!" So he ran himself over with a bulldozer. At the funeral, their three wives were talking about their lost husbands. The first two were very sad, but the third was rather puzzled. the first wife said, "I thought he liked turkey!" The second one said, "I thought he liked ham!" But the third one was still puzzled. She said, "I thought he packed his own lunch." Submitted by firsttimer -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares!!! Submitted by Julie Johnson -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walks into a bar and finds a Genie in a lamp. The Genie will only grant him one wish. The man wishes to be a million times smarter than any man on earth. *POOF* the Genie turns him into a woman! Submitted by Jessica J. Strong -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walks into a bar and sees a jar on the counter with about 10 thousand dollars in it. He asks the bartender about and he says, "I'll give that money to anyone who does exactly what I say." The man replies "okay I'll do it." The bartender says "okay but first why don't you have a drink." the man takes the drink.he asks what it is he has to do again. The bartender says "have another one on the house." The man again has a drink. the man - now drunk - says, "What ish it I gotta do?" the bartender says okay, "See that man over there, the 7'11" 400 pound one. Well if you can hit him one time and make him fall you'll be one step closer to getting the money. Next go outside to see a mean ole dog with a bad tooth. If you can get that tooth you'll be two steps closer to that money. The man says "well what else do I have to do?" The bartender says "well upstairs there's a 107 year old lady. If you sleep with her you get the money." the man says okay and hits the big man once making him fall at once. He goes outside and the bartender hears the dog howling and barking loudly. he says to himself "that man is getting that tooth!" the man comes in and says, "Whew, now where's the bitch with the bad tooth?!!" Submitted by cedandy -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them. Submitted by Blonde -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This man went to the doctor because he had a problem. The doctor asked him what was wrong and the man said his dick was orange. So the doctor ran all the normal tests on him to see what was wrong. The doctor did not find any thing wrong with the man so the doctor asked the man if he lived next to a waste dump. The man said "NO". Then the doctor asked him if he handled any toxic chemicals at work. Again the man said "NO that he didn't have a job". So the doctor asked him what he did all day long and the man said " I just sit around , watch Playboy Channel, and Eat CHEETOS." Submitted by Queen Nichole -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- why do men have slits in their underware? so they can get oxygen to their brains. Submitted by fred2 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did god say after he made Adam? "I can do better than that." then he made Eve. Submitted by Tomboy -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted Submitted by Kaarina -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell if a man is sexually active? He's breathing! Submitted by pebbles -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man is trying to impress a woman by making her think he's really intelligent. Man: I like waking early in the morning. Woman: Are you sure you haven't missed an "n" out of that sentence? Submitted by A-M -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Do you know the real reason Moses wandered in the desert for 40 years? A: Because even back then men wouldn't stop and ask for directions. Submitted by Lisa -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off of his head. Submitted by pebbles -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women work harder than men? Women get it done right the first time. Submitted by Star -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is a man like a diaper? because they are always on your ass, and they are usually full of shit. Submitted by Sandy Q. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three blondes run across a genie and he said that he would grant them each one wish. The first blonde wished to be 50% smarter. POOF! She's and burnette. The second one wished to be 25% smarter. POOF! She's a redhead. The third one wished to be 50% dumber. POOF! She's a blonde man! Submitted by Kristi Olsen -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a non-lazy man (who helps out around the house), and a lazy man are about to jump off a bridge into water. Who makes the biggest splash? The lazy man. The other 3 don't exist. Submitted by JeniJones -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- why don't men do laundry? cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control! Submitted by Joanie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men have a hole at the end of their penis? So they can think open-mindedly. Submitted by Wooha -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's a man's idea of protected sex? A padded headboard. Submitted by Clere -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a woman that works like a man?? A Lazy bitch. Submitted by Martha C. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day, God calls on Adam & says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I gave you a penis and a brain. The bad news is that I only gave you enough blood to operate one organ at a time." Submitted by Darci -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn. Submitted by Melissa -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is urine yellow and sperm white? So men can tell if they are coming or going. Submitted by Susan A. How are men like parking spaces? The good ones are always taken and all that is left are handicapped Submitted by Jessica -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50? Gifted Submitted by Jamie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a man and a cow? One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place! Submitted by Louie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How are men and beer bottles alike? They're both empty from the neck up. Submitted by Dara C. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do woman fake orgasms? Because men fake foreplay! Submitted by Thahadious -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes? It had a penis AND a brain! Submitted by Diane -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many men does it take to make popcorn? Four, one to hold the pot, and three to act macho and shake the stove. Submitted by Laker -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? No one knows, it's never happened Submitted by baby2th. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only 1 (Men are good at screwing things up!) Submitted by Megan M. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men can understand them. What is the difference between government bonds and men? Government bonds mature. What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes What's a man's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum. What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. What did God say after he created man? "I can do better than this." How do men define a 50-50 relationship? We cook; they eat. We clean; they dirty. We iron; they wrinkle. How do men exercise at the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six-pack. How are men like noodles? They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough. Why is it good that there are female astronauts? When the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions. |
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