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| Farmer John was a sheep farmer. He raised sheep all over his property. One day, a beautiful young brunette came up and asked him, "Farmer John, if I can tell exactly how many sheep you have in your fields, can I have a lamb to take home and raise myself?" Farmer John agreed, knowing wholeheartedly that he had way too many to guess accurately. The beautiful, young brunette told him that he had 376 sheep in his field. Farmer John was beside himself. Being a man of his word, he told her to go and pick out the one she wanted and bring it back to him so he could untag the ear. For about an hour the brunette was out in the field. Finally she returned with her choice. Farmer John looked and her and asked, "Now, can I ask you a question?" The brunette complied. Farmer John asked, "If I can tell you what color your hair was before you dyed it, can I please have my dog back?" Submitted by Bubba the Love Sponge -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q:How does a blond kill a fish? A:She drowns it Q:how does a blond kill a bird? A:she throws it off a cliff Submitted by pingu -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a blond, a brunette, and a redhead riding in a car, and they ran a stop sign and a cop started chasing them. So they got a little farther ahead and saw three burlap bags lying in the ditch. They stopped the car and each of them got into one of the bags. Now, the cop caught up with them and saw the empty car and the three bags. So he went up to the bag with the brunette in it and kicked it. The brunette said "meow, meow", and the cop said, "oh, there's a kitty in this bag. And he kicked the one with the redhead in it and she said, "arf, arf", and the cop said aw, there's a puppy in this bag. Finally, he went up to the bag with the blond in it and kicked it and she said, "potato" Submitted by Jenni -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Blonde girl goes to work one day crying because she found out her mom had just died. Her boss asks her 'What's wrong?? Why are you crying??'. She replies 'I just found out that my mom passed away'. The Boss decides to let her have the day off but she insists on working so that she can keep her mind off her mom. A few hours later her boss decides to check on her and he goes in to her office and see's her crying histerically. He asks again 'Why are you crying??' she says 'My sister called saying that her mom died too'. Submitted by AV -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open. "You must have made a mistake," says the shocked dentist, "The gynecologist's office is one level higher." To that the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out." Submitted by Kash -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This brunette walked into this shoe store for blondes and she noticed that TGIF was on all the shoes, she walked up to the sales clerk and said Gee, blondes must really like Fridays! The clerk said why do you say that? The brunette said because TGIF is on all the shoes! The clerk said Nope that stands for TOES GO IN FIRST!!! Submitted by Evelyn K. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A painting cotracter was speaking to a woman about a job. She sad she wanted the first room a pale blue. He wrote it down, went to the window opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP." They walked into the second room and she said she wanted it a soft yellow color. He wrote that down, went to the window opened it and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP." The woman was curious but didn't say anything. They walked into the third room and she said she wanted a warm rose color. The painter wrote that down and went to the window and opened it, he yelled "GREEN SIDE UP." Finally the woman asked, "why do you keep yelling that out the window?" "I'm sorry," he replied, "but I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street. Submitted by Ginsing -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a fire at the blond's house and she decided to call 911. So she call's 911 all upset and crying " You have to come over and help me my house is on fire." The fireman says "Ok, lady calm down, How do we get there?" The blond states " DUH?? The BIG RED TRUCK. Submitted by de blonde -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- what is the difference between a misquito and a blonde? when you slap a misquito it will stop sucking. Submitted by froggy -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There were three people traped on an island: a blond,a brunette,and a redhead. The redhead looked across the water and estimates the distance to be about 20 miles, so she announces that she is going to try to swim across. She swims 5 miles and gets tired. She swims 5 more before she gets to tired and drowns. The brunette thinks to herself, "I wonder if I can make it." Out loud she says, "I guess it's better than staying here to starve." So she tries to swim out. She has more endurance than the redhead and she swims 10 miles before she's even tires. She swims 5 more before she drowns. The blond says, "I wonder if they made it? I guess I better try." So she swims 5,10,19 miles! Just 1 mile from shore she says, "I'm just too tired!" So she turns around and swims back. Submitted by bf's -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. HOW DID THE BLONDE ALMOST DIE? A. SHE WAS RIDING A HORSE AND SHE STARTED TO HIT HER HEAD ON THE GROUND SO THE K-MART MANAGER SHUT OFF THE MERRY-GO-ROUND. Submitted by Peppy Cheerleader -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde look like after sex? A: I don't know I am already gone Submitted by bunsmasterguy -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q:why are blondes like pianos? A:when they're upright,they're grand Submitted by porn star -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why does a blonde drive a BMW? Cuz she can spell it... Submitted by Sven "Joker" Jacobs -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Blond goes to a company party and wins a thermos for the doorprize. she asks her co-worker, "What's a thermos?" He says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." "Oh!" The next day at work, she brings it with her. Her boss, who is also a blond, says "What's that?" The Blond says "It's a thermos." Her boss asks her, "What's that?" She says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." Her boss asks her, "What do you have in it?" The blond says, "Two cups of coffee and a pop-sickle." Submitted by Missy -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does an airplane and a blonde have in common? A: They both have a cockpit Submitted by Minette -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q:What do you call a blonde holding a balloon A:Siamese twins Submitted by Road Dog -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How Do You Confuse A Dumd Blond? Put Her In A Room Shaped Like A Circle And Say Go Sit In The Corner.. Whats The Difference Between A Dumb Blond And A Dead Shunk On The Road That Both Got Hit By A Car? The Shunk Has Skidd Marks In Front Of It.. Submitted by King Shawn -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde and a brunette were walking through the wood when they found a set of tracks. The blonde said "Look at those deer tracks." The brunette said "those aren't deer tracks. They are moose tracks." They were still arguing about it two hours later when the train hit them. Submitted by bald as a cue ball -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the mating call of the dumb blonde? "Am I drunk yet?" What is the mating call of the red-head? "Are all the blondes gone yet?" Submitted by lillyth red -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why didn't the blonde change her babys diaper for a month? Because the package said good for up to one month. Submitted by Brewdog -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q:why is a blondes coffin "y" shaped? A:because as soon as they hit their back-their legs open. Submitted by Robin -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde was walking on the opposite of the river from a brunette. The brunette yells across to the blonde, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?" The blonde hesitates, looks back and replies, "You ARE on the other side!" Submitted by Barbie "Barbwire" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why does a blond wear hoop earings? To have someplace to hold her ankles. Submitted by a blonde with a sense of humor -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How is a blonde like a a bottle? They're both eymty from neck up Submitted by smart blonde -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q)Why is the speed limit for blondes 68? A)Because at 69 they blow a rod! A blonde is at the library, she opens a book and says "what are these funny markings on the paper?" The librarian says, "Words." Blonde: do you have any picture books? Blonde: I can't tell what the "w u r d s" mean. Librarian: Oh, well we have the children books. Blonde: No. Librarian: We have books with pictures of guys. Blonde: Why all I have to do to see guys is flip up my mini skirt and wait for a while and they come to my door. Submitted by Jason R.007 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- say that you have a blonde,brunnett,and a red head in your hand.Now pick up the brunnett and rub her against your cheek,does that remind you of your first time(respond with a no)now take the red head and pat her on your head,does that remind you of your first time(respond with a no)now take the blonde and shake her in your hand,does that remind you of your first time?(ha,ha,ha) Submitted by Katrina -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a Doberman pinscher and a blonde with PMS? Lipstick. Submitted by -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The blond bimbo was at the blood bank and sold a pint of blood. As she was leaving counting her $25, a man was leaving counting his money. He had $40. She asked if he had some rare blood type that he got more than she did. He said no, that he had donated sperm. The next day the bimbo was back at the blood bank. The receptionist asked if she was there to donate blood. The blond could only shake her head, as her cheeks were bulging. Submitted by professor -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why didn't the blonde change her babts diapers for a month? Because the package said good for up to one month. Submitted by Chris -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 night at a local bar a brunett,a redhead,and a blonde walked in and ordered a drink.The readhead walked in and asked the bartender"Can I have an rw?"The bartender asked "What the hell is an rw?"she replyed"Red Wine,DUH."So she drank and left.Then the brunette walked in and ordered a ww.The bartender asked what that was and she replyed "DUH White Wine."Then the blonde walked in and ordered a 15 .The bartender asked what that was and she replyed "Duh a 7 and 7! Submitted by nyboy86 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- These three guys (a brunnette,a blonde,and a red head) were walking down the street and came across three girls(a brunnette,a blonde,and a red head).The brunnette guys says to the girls "I'm a doctor. Can I take your temperature?"So the brunnette and red head say sure.The blonde goes," I know better than to talk to strangers." The red head guys says to the girls,"I'm a theripist.You can tell me your problems." So the brunnette and red head say ok and tells him their problems. The blonde goes,"I know better than to talk to strangers." So the blonde guy says to the girls,"I'm a breast examiner.Can I see your boobs?" The blonde goes,"OK!" and pulls up her shirt.Then she says ,"Hey i don't have to talk to him." Submitted by BLONDES ARE THE COOLEST -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What is the mating call of a blonde? A. Am i drunk yet? Q. How does a blonde turn on the light after sex? A. She opens the car door. Submitted by Random Chance -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde goes in to apply for a job and she fills out an application. She takes it up to the man and he says you forgot three blanks. He asks how old are you, so she counts on her fingers and finaly reaches 22, okay then how tall are you so she tries to messure herself she says 5'2, okay then what is your name, she nodes her head back and forth for a few seconds and says Jenifer. He sayd okay I get how you got your age ans you height, but how you you get your name by noding your head bakc and forth, she says I was singing "Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear jenifer. Submitted by peppy -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Set her down at a Macintosh computer, and tell her to right click on something. Submitted by Spike -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q:How did the blonde die while drinking milk? A:The cow fell on her. Submitted by nolan -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine cabinet? A: Because she didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills. Submitted by Marta Komadowski -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do a blonde and a turtle have in common? When they fall on their backs they're both screwed. Submitted by yaya -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There were a blonde and a brunette driving and the brunette goes to the blonde"go check my blinker!" "Does it work?" Blonde: "Yes" "No" "Yes" "No" Submitted by Nehcterg -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a blonde who walked into a hair salon to get her hair done. she said to the man "Please, I would like you to perm my hair, I'm getting sick of it!" "Alright ma'm said the hair dresser, "but I need you to take off your headphones first" "No I can said the blonde "I have to keep them on" "Fine said the man. So he did the perm then the lady left. About two months later, the lady comes back in asking for her hair to be highlighed. The man said okay but she would have to take off the headphones. But she insisted that she keep them on. The man did her hair then put her under the dryer. About 10 minutes later, she was fast asleep. The man was curious as to why the headphones were so important. So he took them off her head and she stoped breathing. He put the headphones on and the tape said "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in breathe out...." Submitted by Mackenzie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? A: Way to go team. Submitted by Keith M -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There were 2 blondes in a movie theater. The first blonde says to the second, "The man next to me is masturbating." The second says, " ignore him." The first says, "I can't, he's using my hand!" Submitted by Barrow -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three Blondes sitting at a bar. The were all chanting over and over "51 days...yes....51 days"...They were all so happy with each other. The bartender was starting to become a bit curios when this occured for quite a period of time. He asked "You have been sitting here for 3 hours and all you say is 51 days...tell me why would three young ladies be sitting at a bar chanting 51 days ?" "Well" replied on the girls"We today we completed a jigsaw puzzle that took us 51 days" "So!" replied the bartender. "Well...on the box it says 3 - 5 years !" Submitted by Amy -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day?? She can't find her pencil and her tampon is behind her ear! Submitted by Alyak -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you know that a fax came from a blonde?? A: There is a stamp on it. Submitted by Maria -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts: "Can't you see I'm winning?!" Submitted by Wizard 0411 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back! Submitted by James -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q:One day the Social Studies teacher asked a blonde to name all the capitals in the United States Of America. A:The blonde said easy U.S.A. Submitted by K.L.F & D.A.R. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What does a U.F.O and an intellegent blonde have in common? A. You always hear about them... but you never see them! Submitted by EDJ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is it when you hear this: vroom. screach. vroom. screach. vroom. screach.? A blonde at a blinking stoplight. Submitted by Heather -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead? She was trying to make up her mind!!! Submitted by Ace -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde was going to Paris and she had a coach seat. When she got on the plane she sat in first class. A stuwardess came and told her to go into coach she said she didn't have to. Another stuwardess came and said if she didn't go in coach she would get the co-piolit. She said she wouldn't move. The co-piolit came and whispered something in her ear and she got up went to coach. The other two asked how he did it and he said he told her this part of the plane wasn't goin to Paris. Submitted by Nick -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BLOND INVENTIONS 1.The solar power flashlight 2. Dehydrat |
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