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| Q. What does a wicked witch like to read in the newspaper? A. Her horror scope! Q. Why do dragons sleep all day? A. So they can fight knights! Q. Why was Cinderella such a lousy baseball player? A. She had a pumpkin for a coach! Q.Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team? A. She always ran away from the ball! Q. Why were the giant's fingers only eleven inches long? A. Because if they were twelve inches long, they'd be a foot! Q. What would you get if you crossed the ugly duckling with a cow? A. Milk and quackers. Q. What do frog princes like to eat with their hamburgers? A. French flies. Q. What would you get if you crossed Bo Peep's littlest sheep with a karate expert? A. Lamb chops. Q. What would you get if you crossed the Snow Queen with a vampire? A. Frost bite! Q. What's pink, has a curly tail and drinks blood? A. A hampire. Q. Why are the wicked witch twins so confusing? A. It's hard to tell which witch is which! Q. What did Cinderella say when her photographs weren't ready? A. "Some day my prints will come!" Q. What's Snow White's brother's name? A. Egg White! Get the yolk? Q. Why was Snow White kicked out of Disney Land? A. She kept sitting on Pinnochio's face and saying 'Lie you bastard, lie!' Q. What's red and has seven dents in it? A. Snow White's cherry. Q. Did you hear the sad news that all of the California raisins are dead? A. All the police know so far is that it is a cereal killer... Q. What do you get when a Unicorn is runover by a Mac truck? A. "Creamed" corn. Q. What do you call the best student at Unicorn school? A. The "A"corn. Q. What do Unicorns call their father? A. "Pop" corn. Q. What do Unicorns use for money? A. Corn "Bread." Q. Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage? A. "t'da dump, t'da dump, t'da dump dump dump." Q. What's big, savage, and goes "shhhhhhhhhhhhh". A. Conan the Librarian. Q How did Capt. Hook die? A. Jock itch! Q. Have you heard of the 'Divorce Barbie'? A. She comes with all of Kens stuff... Q. How do we know the Cinderella story was written by a woman? A. Because if it was written by a guy, the prince woulda fucked her til 12 and then she would have turned into a pizza. Q. Did you hear that the Energizer Bunny died? A. Somebody put his batteries in backward, and he kept coming, and coming, and coming........... Q. What did pinochio say to his girlfriend???? A. Sit on my face and i'll tell you some lies..!!... Q. Do you know how they make baby smurfs? A. They smuck. Q. What is "smore play"? A. It's what smurfs do before they smuck!!! Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive? A. Popeye almost killed him. Q. What part of Popeye doesn't rust? A. The part he dips in Olive Oyl. Q. What do you have when you have a green ball in each hand? A. Kermit's undivided attention! Q. What do you call Miss Piggy's douche? A. "Hog wash!" Q. What did Miss Piggy say when Gonzo called her? A. "I can't talk right now - I've got a frog in my throat." Ken and Susan invested a lot of money in a magical potion that claimed to make people smarter. But they could see no change in one another and went back to the flim-flam artist who had sold the stuff to them. "We've been on this potion for six months," Ken complained to the guy, "and we can't see that your product made us a darned bit smarter." "Ahhhhh, but you are," the crook said. "If you've noticed that much, you are a whole lot smarter than when you bought it." HUNCHBACK'S WIFE: I'm getting worried about that back of yours. It looks really awful. Perhaps you should see a doctor. Eventually, after a lot of persuasion the Huchback goes to the doctor. DOCTOR:I want you to get undressed. ( Hunchback removes jacket then stops) HUNCHBACK:I don't like getting undressed. DOCTOR:If you want me to examine your back you'll have to get undressed. ( Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his vest on.) HUNCHBACK:I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh at me. DOCTOR:Do you want me to examine your back or not? ( Very reluctantly the hunchback removes his vest ( woollen undergarment in UK )) DOCTOR:How long is it since you were at school? HUNCHBACK:Over 30 years. Why? DOCTOR:Did you ever wonder what happened to your satchel? Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes asked: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see". Watson said "I see millions and millions of stars". Holmes: "And what does that tell you?" Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes: "Elementary, my dear Watson. Somebody stole our tent". The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who was looking for juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red, "I'm sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your pegleg." "Well, I was thrown from the ship during gale force winds, and before me mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off." The interviewer was sort of disappointed. "What about the hook at the end of your right arm?" "I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard." Again thereporter was disappointed. "Certainly there's an exciting story about the patch on your eye?" "One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and crapped in me eye." The reporter was amazed. "That's why you wear a patch?" "Well, I'd only had me hook a couple of days." Pinocchio goes to see his father... "How goes it my son ?" "Well, father, I'm having some problems for with the women" "How's that ?" "They're complaining of splinters - it's very painful for them" "Ah, no problem, just take this piece of sandpaper, and when you find a nice girl, just rub it down first and it'll be nice and smooth" A week later, Pinocchio sees his father again... "My son, how goes it with the women ?" "Women ? Who needs women ?" A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess and I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool." An old woman saved a Genie's life. To repay this the Genie promised to grant the old woman three wishes. For the first wish the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful. For the second wish the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world. For the last wish she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The Genie turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth. The old lady and the Genie said their goodbyes. After the Genie left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and said, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?" Man walking down the beach, sees a old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed off genie emerges. She says "normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son of a bitch, I am going to grant only 1". He thinks a minute and says "OK, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed". She says "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle. Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance. A New York cab driver, a Texas rancher, and a beach bum are shipwrecked together on a tropical island. One day, they find a genie in a bottle, who promises them the usual one wish each. "I wanna be back in new York, driving my hack on 5th Avenue," says the cabbie, and *POOF* - he's gone. "Ah want to be back in the saddle of mah quatuh horse on mah ranch in Texas," drawls the rancher. *POOF* "And your wish?" the genie asks the beach bum. "Gee, I don't know. It's really pretty nice here - the sun, the sea... But it is kind of lonely here now. I wish I had my two friends back here...." *POOF! POOF Two old guys fishing in a boat on Lake Pontchartrain. A bottle comes floating by in the current. One old codger scoops it up, sees a cork in the top, and yanks it out. Genie pops out in a puff of smoke and says, "You get one wish between the two of yas -- make it a good one." The old man in the front of the boat yells back to his fishing buddy. "Lemme handle this -- I know just what to ask for!" He looks at the genie and says, "We want the whole lake to be turned into ice cold beer!" The genie nods and says, "You got it, boys!" And instantaneously, the whole lake is beer! The old man in the back of the boat throws a life preserver, smacks his buddy up-side the head, and yells out, "You dumb dipshit! Why in the hell did you do that?" "Whadaya talking about?" the other fisherman answers. "I thought you'd like a lake-full of beer. What's the problem?" "The problem is ... now we gotta pee in the boat!!!!" Bennie was walking down the beach one day when he found a bottle. It was an old bottle, covered with barnacles and detritus from the sea. It had a cap on top sealed with wax of sorts. Bennie took the bottle home, and cleaned it up. He wondered what was in it so he peeled off the wax and removed the lid. All at once the room was filled with a dark sulfurous smoke, and there towering through the ceiling was a huge semi-transparent Genie. The Genie spoke in a loud dish shattering voice: "Thank you Bennie. I have been a prisoner in this bottle for almost 3000 years. I have longed to be released from this prison. In gratitude I will grant thee three wishes." "Wow" said Bennie. "Three wishes". "I know what I want. I want, health, wealth, long life, and happiness". "Uh Bennie." says the Genie; "That's four wishes." "Oh." says Bennie. "Little Bennie", says the Genie. "Out of gratitude for releasing me from my prison, I will grant thee those four wishes, but with a condition. The condition being that you never shave". "Well I can live with that." Chirped Bennie. "Poof!" Bennies Wishes were granted, and he enjoyed, health, wealth, long life and happiness. Happiness with but one exception. Bennie was troubled with an excessively long beard. Bennie would braid the beard, curl the beard, tie it up upon his head. Do all sorts of things with it, but it still bothered him that he had it. One day Bennie decided that he just had enough. He decided to do something. He took out a stainless steel razor. He put the razor in a brass razor holder. He opened a drawer and took out his bright and shinny barber scissors. He began to cut upon his beard. So far nothing bad had happened. He then washed his face well, taking care to soak what remained of his beard. He soaped himself, and then began to shave. No sooner was he finished with the act of shaving then ... All at once a flash of light. Bennie was no longer there. What remained was an old funeral urn. An old urn with the inscription upon it: "Here lie the remains of Bennie. A BENNIE SHAVED IS A BENNIE URNED." One day while sunbathing on the beacha man in his thirties stumbled apon a magic lamp. While he vigorously rubbed the lamp a genie appeared from behind the sand dunes. The genie said, "For freeing me from the lamp, I must grant you three wishes." Amazed at his luck of stumbling upon a genie, the sunbather makes his first wish to become a millionare. The genie responds that this is a hard task, but his wish was the genie's command. "When you next check you bank account, you will find a deposit of one million dollars" said the genie. Next the sunbather, elated at this point, requested a new house with 18 bedrooms. The genie responded that this would be even more difficult, he would need to move houses in the neigborhhood as well, but finally after deep concentration, it was so. "Return to your house and in place of your old house you will find your new house." Finally the sunbather requested that in every room of the house, a beautiful woman would be found. The genie commented that this would be near impossible, but after concentrating for a moment, said it was done. Ready to leave, the genie said to the sunbather, "wait a moment, I would like you to grant me one wish." The sunbather thought and said, "sure." The genie said, "I want to fuck you up the ass." The sunbather absolutely refuses. After a while of arguement back and forth the genie convinces him that given these great wishes he should be allowed to indulge himself of this one. The sunbather says at this point, "what the hell." and the genie has at it. After finishing the genie says to the sunbather, "Tell me, how old are you." "34," replies the sunbather. "And you still believe in genies?" Once upon a time there was a wise and kindly King. In order to protect his subjects, he built a large wall completely around the palace and the town. Surrounding the wall was a deep moat with but one gate through the wall and a single bridge over the moat. Many years passed and the Kingdom and it's people prospered. One day, however, there came to live under the bridge, the DREADED YELLOW FINGERS. This was an evil monster that would pluck unsuspecting persons from the bridge, and pull them below the waters of the moat never to be seen again. A great fear came over the people, and the King ordered his knights to slay the DREADED YELLOW FINGERS. One by one they attempted to rid the kingdom of the menace, and one by one they were defeated. Soon the fields were overgrown, the flocks were running wild, and the food supply in the town had dwindled to almost nothing. In desperation the King offered the hand of his daughter to the one who could rid the town of the DREADED YELLOW FINGERS. More tried, and more were lost. One day, a young Page boy came to the King and said that he would like to try. The King thought the boy foolish, and attempted to dissuade him, but the boy persisted. Finally the King gave in, and the boy walked out the gate. He crossed the bridge without a sign of the monster. He crossed back and forth several more times with the same result. He presented himself to the King, and asked for the hand of the King's daughter. Overjoyed, the King assented but asked, "How were you able to do what many older and more experienced knights were not able to do? It was easy, the boy replied, "JUST LET YOUR PAGES DO THE WALKING THROUGH THE YELLOW FINGERS." Once upon a time, long, long ago, a wizard lived in an enchanted forest. He usually used his magical powers to help the animals that lived there. One afternoon, a toad came hopping up to the wizard's cottage and knocked on the door. The wizard opened the door and saw that the toad was, remarkably enough, of a bright, sunny yellow color. "You see the problem?" the toad said. "All my life I've been like this. I want to be green, like the other toads." The wizard nodded gravely, took out a magic wand and waved it above the toad. At once, the toad became a smooth, lovely green color. The toad hopped with joy, thanking the wizard profusely, until he noticed that the spell had not entirely worked. His penis was still yellow. "What do I do about this?" the toad asked. "I can't go around this way." The wizard apologized, saying, "I can only work one spell each day, I'm afraid. But in the next forest over, you'll find another wizard who can complete the spell." The toad thanked the wizard and hopped off. A short while later, a bear came to the wizard's door. When the wizard opened it, he saw that the bear was entirely blue in color. "Can you help me?" asked the bear. The wizard shrugged and said, "I'm out of magic for the day, I'm afraid. But there is another wizard in the next forest." "How do I get there?" asked the bear. "It's easy," replied the wizard. "Just follow the yellow-dick toad." In a pond in a garden there is a goldfish swimming around quite happily. But unknown to the goldfish, there is a hungry bird with an eye on it. The bird is just waiting for the right moment to swoop down and pluck up the fish. *BUT*, unknown to both the bird and the fish, there is a cat sitting in a tree watching the whole scene. And the cat is clever and wily. The cat thinks to himself "Hmmm, I'll just wait for the bird to get the fish, and then I'll catch the bird. That way I'll end up with both". Just then the bird swoops down and grabs the fish. The cat, not wanting to lose the opportunity pounces down and goes for the bird. But the cat misses everything completely and splashes into the water. The moral of the story? The longer the wait, the wetter the pussy! Minnie and Micky are in Divorce Court. The Judge scolds Micky: "Mr. Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce just because you think your wife, Minnie, is crazy"! Micky: "Judge I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy." The Seven Dwarves walk up to a Nunnery and huddle outside the door to discuss something. Then Doc walks up to the door and knocks. The Mother Superior opens the door and Doc asks her if there are any three-foot nuns in this nunnery. The Mother Superior looks at him funny and says that no, there are no three-foot nuns here. Doc thanks her and goes back to the group and they huddle again making all sorts of whispering noises. Happy walks up to the door and knocks jovially. Mother Superior opens the door and Happy asks if there are any three-foot nuns in the country. Mother Superior wonders what is going on, but says that, no, there are no three-foot nuns in the country. Happy thanks her and goes back to the group. They discuss and send Grumpy up to the door. Mother Superior opens the door and Grumpy asks her if there are any three-foot nuns on that continent, and the Mother Superior, frustrated, says that NO, there are no three-foot nuns on this continent. Grumpy growls a thank you and goes back to the group. After a few minutes, they send Sleepy. He knocks on the door and the Mother Superior opens the door, sees Sleepy standing there, yells, "NO! THERE ARE NO THREE-FOOT NUNS ON THE ENTIRE PLANET. NONE. THERE NEVER WERE AND NEVER WILL BE ANY THREE-FOOT NUNS. EVER!" and slams the door. Sleepy yawns and goes back the group. He shakes his head. The rest of the group turn to Dopey and start chanting, "DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN!, DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN! ..." |
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