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| Q. How does every ethnic joke start? A. By looking over your shoulder. Q. How is a (insert target group here) joke like premature ejaculation? A. You know it's coming and you can't do a damn thing to stop it. Q. What goes, "Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG, clip-clop, clip-clop?" A. An Amish drive-by shooting Q. What is "Miami Math?" A. "TWO plus DOS equal FOE". Q. A black and a Puerto Rican are in the same car, who's driving? A. The Policeman Q. Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature? A. Because spray paint wasn't invented `till 1949. Q. Why don't Puerto Ricans have checking accounts? A. Because it's hard to sign checks with a spray can. Q. What do you call someone who speaks two languages? A. Bi-lingual. Q. What do you call someone who speaks three languages? A. Tri-lingual. Q. What do you call someone who speaks only one language? A. An American. Q. What's brown and full of holes? A. Swiss shit! Q. Why don't Italians have freckles? A. They all slide off. Q. How do you brainwash an Italian? A. Give him an enema. Q. What language do the Vatican Police speak? A. Pig Latin! Q. What do you call an Italian with an I.Q. of 180? A. Sicily. Q. Why did the Italian staple his nuts together? A. "If you can't lick 'em, join 'em" Q. Why is Italy shaped like a boot? A. Do you think they could fit all that shit in a tennis shoe? Q. How does an Italian count his goats? A. He just counts the legs, and divides by four. Q. How did they advertise surplus W. W. II Italian rifles for sale? A. "Never fired, and only dropped once." Q. Why does the new Italian Navy use glass bottomed boats? A. So they can steer clear of the old Italian Navy. Q. Why is Italian bread so long? A. So they can dip it into the sewer. Q. How is the Italian version of Christmas different? A. One Mary, one Jesus, and 32 Wise guys. Q. Who really killed John F. Kennedy? A. Two hundred Italian sharpshooters. Q. How does an Italian get into an honest business? A. Usually through the skylight. Q. How do Italian girls shave their legs? A. They lie down outside and have someone mow them. Q. What does FIAT stand for? A. Frenzied Italian At Traffic-lights. Q. What do you get when you cross an Italian and a Pollack? A guy who makes you an offer you can t understand. Q. How do you kill an Italian? A. Smash the toilet seat on the back of his head when he is getting a drink. Q. If Tarzan and Jane were Italian, what would Cheetah be? A. The least hairy of the three. Q. What did the barber say to the Italian kid? A. Do you want your hair cut or should I just change the oil.? Q. Why do Puerto Ricans throw their trash away in clear plastic bags? A. So Italians can go window shopping. Q. What s an innuendo? A. An Italian suppository. Q. Why do Italian men have mustaches? A. So they can look like their mothers. Q. Why are most Italian men named Tony? A. When they got on the boat to America they stamped To NY (Tony) on their foreheads. Q. How do you make an Italian? A. Put a black in one hand, a Jew in the other, and slam them together. WOP!! Q. Who won the Belgian beauty contest? A. Nobody. Q. What's the difference between an Arab and a terrorist? A. An Arab would have kept the wheelchair. Q. Why don't Arabs ever get hemorrhoids? A. Because they are such perfect assholes! Q. What do Arabs do on a Saturday night? A. Sit under palm trees and eat their dates. Q. What's worse than being hijacked by the PLO? A. Being rescued by the Egyptians. Q. Why can't you circumcise Libyans? A. Because there's no end to those pricks. Q. What happened to the Iranian that tried to blow up the bus? A. He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe. Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq? A. They don't want to wear out the camel. Q. Why did they outlaw bingo in Iraq? A. Because everyone scrambled for cover anytime they called B-1 Q. Whay does saddam Hussein & Little Bo Peep have in common? A. They both have Kurds in their whey (way) Q: How do you break a Pole's finger? A: Punch him in the nose. Q. Why did the Pole buy his wife a wig? A. He heard that she was getting balled at the office. Q. Did you hear about the Polish man who can't spell? A. Every pay-day he spends all night at a warehouse. Q. If a Polack and a Mexican fall off the top of a tall building, who hits the ground first? A. The Polack, because the Mexican stopped to spray his name on the wall A. The Mexican, because the Polack got lost A. WHO CARES? Q. Why are the affairs of French men so discreet? A. Pigs can't talk. Q. What's the difference between a frenchwoman and a werewolf? A. The frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better. Q. Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees? A. So the Germans could march in the shade. Q. Hear about the library that burnt down in Paris ? A. Destroyed their entire collection and they hadn't even finished colouring in the second one ! Q. What do you call a Frenchman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other? A. bisexual Q. What is a Japanese girl's favorite holiday? A. Erection day! Q. Did you know that 85% of all Japanese men have Cataracts? A. The rest drive Rincolns and Chevlorets. Q. Which one doesn't belong: A shrimp, a lobster, a salmon, or a Japanese with a piano on top of him? A. The salmon. All the rest are crustaceans. Q. What do you call a fat Chinaman? A. A chunk. Q. Why don’t they use phone books in China? A. Because they are afraid to WING the WONG numbers. Q. How do chineese people get their names? A. they throw pots and pans down the stairs Q. Why do all chinese people live in Harrow ? A. Because when they come out of the airport they say, "Harrow mister taxi driver" Q. Have you heard about the new Vietnamese cookbook? A. It's called 101 ways to wok your dog Q. How do you know when your house has been robbed by an oriental gang member? A. The dog is missing and your homework is done. Q. how come the new Hyundai car is named the "accent?" A. Haven't you heald the way the little koleean men talk??? Q. What do Orientals use Dental Floss for? A. Blindfolds. Q. What is African roulette? A. That's 6 African women that give you blow jobs; but one is a cannibal. Q. Did you hear about the Ethiopian who fell into a crocodile pit? A. He ate three before they could pull him out. Q. Why, in America, is two-day-old sour cream considered spoiled, while in Russia even two-week-old sour cream is still considered good? A. What is two weeks for Russia, with its magnificent history of some many centuries? Q. What is the hottest item in Russian department stores? A. Underwear labeled: January, February, March, April . . . . Q. What's two miles long and vegetarian? A. A meat queue in Moscow!! Q. British General addressing Australian troops: Did you come here to die? A. No mate, we came here yester-die. Q. Whats the great Australian dream A. Every Pommy swimming out of Sydney Harbour with a New Zealander under each arm. Q: Why did the Australians do so badly in the rugby world cup?? A: To many sheepless nights!! Q. Why do Aussies come so quick? A. They can't wait to get down to the pub and tell their mates about it. Q. Why does the Swede hate washing windows? A. It takes so long to dig down the ladder... Q. How do you sink a Swedish submarine? A. Swim down, and knock on the "door"... Q. How do you sink it again? A. Knock again, and the captain'll come out and say: "We won't fall for THAT again..." Q. How do you sink ANOTHER sub.? A. you can't... they don't have another one... Q. What do you call a dozen Greek women in a sauna? A. Gorilla's in the mist. Q. What do you call a Greek girl who keeps running away from home? A. A virgin. Q. How do you keep an Englishman happy in his old age? A. Tell him a joke when he's young. *Q. Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? A. The sheep can hear zippers! *Q. Why do Scotsmen screw sheep against the edge of a cliff? A. They push back harder. Q. What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman? A. The Stones sing, "Hey you get off of my cloud" while a Scotsman says "Hey McCloud... Get off of me ewe!" Newfies. The people waiting for Quebec to secede so it'll take them a lot less time to get to Toronto. Heard about the Newfie who went Ice Fishing. Brought home 100 lbs, but his wife drowned frying it up. Newfie went to college in Ontario and wrote his mom that he'd grown another foot. She sent him a sock. The slave driver of the Roman galleon leered down at his galley slaves and bellowed, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you'll be getting double rations tonight!" The murmuring of the surprised slaves as they struggled with their oars was interrupted by the slave driver. "The bad news is that this afternoon the commander's son wants to water-ski." And Jesus said to the Mexicans "Don't do anything until I get back." A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight. The guide told her, "This is our number one sport." The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?" "No," the guide replied, "that's our number two sport." A lady gets on a bus in Boston and sits down in front of two Italian men. She overhears the following: "Emma come first, then I come. Two assa comma together. I come again. Two assa comma together again. I pee twice. I come again." The woman turns around and says indignantly: "In our country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Ah, lady," says the man. "I'ma just learnin' to spell 'Mississippi'". Italian Tires....Dago through rain. Dago through snow, but when dago flat dago wop wop wop. Two Italians are standing on the coast of Italy after WWII watching a German submarine go by. The first Italian asks, "hey, is data u boat?". The other replies, "no, I'ma watcha justa like you". At an auction a man walks by a table and see the Italian selling many things plus a beautiful horse. The buyer asks, "Hey do you want to sell me your horse?" The Italian says, "I woulda sella youa it butta it noa looka so good. The other answers, "Sure, he looks fine to me. How much do you want for it?" I tella youa he noa looka so good. I'll give you $500. I canna not sella it toa youa. He noa looka so good. The man raises his offer to $1,000. Finally the Italian says, "O.K." The buyer gets on the horse gallops off and the horse hits a tree. The buyer angrily tells the other, "You S.O.B. you sold me a blind horse." The Italian answers, "I tella youa he noa looka so good!!! A few nights ago a few friends and I were in a bar, telling all the polish jokes we knew; boy what a feast! Anyway, I ducked into the restroom to sprinkle the old porcelain. While I was in there, this big guy came in and said to me, "Hey pal, I'm Polish and I don't like you telling all those Polish jokes!" So I said, "Well, they're not against you, pal, just against anyone in Poland." "My mother is in Poland!" He screams, and pulls out a razor. Boy was I scared! I was sure he would have killed me if he had found a place to plug it in! Two Polish friends decide to do a bit of fishing one afternoon, so they rent a boat and cruise out into the middle of a beautiful lake where they don't usually have much luck. However, this particular day, they catch the limit. One friend says to the other, "Listen, we need to mark this spot for tomorrow. Let's carve a notch on the side of the boat right here, where we've been casting our lines." To which the other replies, "Oh you idiot, that won't work. Suppose they give us a different boat tomorrow?" During WWII, the Nazis were having some trouble with the Polish, as hard as you may find that to believe. It seems that, on the lines, it never failed that one of the Polish troops would yell out, "Hey Hans, you there?", and that one of the Nazi troops (coincidentally named Hans) would stand up with a big smile and yell back, "Ya, I am here!" and be shot down, Bang! Well, as you can imagine, the Nazi High Command found this to be insufferable, and worked to find a way to prove that they, the Aryan army, were superior to these simple Polish farm-folk. The plan they formulated involved using the same tactics that the Polish had used. So, they gathered some of their crack troops, and prepared them to put this method into action. The next day, as dawn broke, the Nazi forces were in high spirits, knowing that their foes were about to receive their comeuppance. As the battlefield grew light, the first Nazi officer selected to have the honor ( They drew straws the night before ), yelled out with all his might, "Hey Yanosh, you there?". Silence hung over the scorched earth for several seconds before the reply was heard, "Ya, I am here. That you Hans?". "Ya!" said the officer, as he stood up. Bang! Overheard in a Gestapo interrogation room: "Vot iss your name?" SLAP! SLAP! "For ze second time, vot iss your name?" SLAP! SLAP! "Do you know what happens to prisoners who vill not answer my questions? Now, for ze third und final time, VOT ISS YOUR NAME?!?!?!?" SLAP! SLAP! "Vy, every time I ask your name, do you schlap me?" "Ve haf too many men in this prison camp. Each nationality vill elect one person to answer questions. If he iss unable to do so correctly, all prisoners of zat nationality vill be exterminated. Now, Englander, vot iss the greatest warship in der Feuhrer's navy?" "The Bismarck." "Correct! American, how many in its crew?" "687" "Correct! Now, you Polish schwein, vott are their names, addresses und telephone numbers?" A chabermaid in a Moscow hotel came upon a tourist watering flowers in his hotel room. "Please don't water the flowers," she implored, "the microphone will rust." Two workers at a factory were deeply engrossed in a game of cards. Strewn on an overturned crate that was their table was a large pile of rubles. A supervisor came by and noticed the goings on. "Comrades, if you must gamble, why don't you play for matches?" he lectured. "Matches?" replied one in surprise, "are you kidding? The stakes would be too high!" A friend visited the home of a Russian cosmonaut and found only the children there. "Where are your parents?" the guest inquired, "Will they be home soon?" "Father is on a space flight," they replied. "He'll be home soon. But Mother went to the store to buy butter. We don't expect her for some time." Two Russian military strategists were discussing tactics to use if war occurred. "If there is war," said one, "we will have agents carry nuclear bombs concealed in suitcases to all the capitals of the Western world; New York, Washington, London, Paris, Bonn..." "That's an excellent idea, Comrade General," replied his companion. "We certainly have enough bombs for that. But where are we going to get all those suitcases?" A Party delegation was visiting a school to see how the indoctrination of children was progressing. "Tell me, Ivan," asked a commissar, "Who is your father?" "My father is the all-powerful Soviet Union." "Very good. Now, my little comrade," the commissar said, "Who is your mother?" "My mother is the ever-present Communist Party," replied the pupil. "Excellent, Ivan, Excellent!" praised the commissar. "And what do you want to be when you grow up?" "An orphan." A Moscovite was shopping for a new car. After weeks of looking, he found the car of his dreams. During final negotiations, he asked when he could pick it up. The dealer told him that he could come and get it promptly on September 5, at 9:00 AM....in the year 2006. This upset the man a lot, which he mentioned to the dealer. The dealer told him that 10 years wasn't that long of a wait for a car in Moscow. The customer replied that the year 2006 wasn't the problem; it was September 5 at 9AM. "That's when the plumber is scheduled to arrive." Trying to borrow money from the World Bank, the Soviet finance minister was asked what he could put up for collateral. "Well," he said, "we have countless deposits of oil and minerals such as gold and silver." "Those are all underground," the agent replied. "What do you have aboveground?" Inflating his chest, the minister said, "We have superb Russian leaders." Unimpressed, the bank representative said, "You can have your loan, Mr. Minister, when the two assets trade places." Mikhail Gorbachev woke up one morning feeling great. He walked to his window, saw the sun coming up and crowed, "Good morning, sun!" As he turned away, he was startled to hear a great, booming voice say, "Good morning, Comrade. Good morning to you and the great Union of Soviet Socialist Republics." Gorbachev quickly woke Raisa and his closest aides, took them to the window and said, "Good morning, Comrade sun." Again the voice boomed, "Good morning, Comrade. Good morning to you and to the rest of the glorious party." Gorbachev sat down to his day's work, convinced he was destiny's child. Later, as the sun was setting, he walked to the window and said, "Good evening to you, Comrade sun." When no response came, he repeated the salutation again and again, growing increasingly impatient with the silence. "Sun! I'm talking to you!" he suddenly screamed. "Forget you! the voice thundered back. "I'm in the West now!" The Russian teacher was questioning her young pupils about capitalism and communism. "What is the goal of United States?" she asked young Caterina. The girl replied, "The capitalists are trying to find work for the millions whom their system of government has left unemployed, and shelter for the hundreds of thousands who are starving and homeless." "Now, Nikita," the teacher said, "what is the goal of Soviet Union?" Nikita replied, "To catch up with U.S.A." A commissar on a visit to a collective farm was giving a speech on the ever-growing prosperity in the Soviet Union. "Comrade lecturer," interrupted Ivan Ivanovich from the rear," what you say is very interesting, but can you tell us where all the meat has disappeared?" The audience started muttering and the commissar ended the session. The next day, he returned to finish his speech. An unidentified voice from the rear inquired, "Comrade lecturer, I'm not interested in asking where all the meat has gone, but can you tell us what happened to Ivanovich?" A Soviet citizen who was visiting the West was besieged by many questions from people wanting to know more about communism. "You mean to tell me," asked a curious host, "that by being a communist you share everything?" "Yes," came the reply. "You mean if you had two houses, you would give me one?" "Of course." "And if you had two cars, you would give me one?" "Certainly" "And if you had two stoves, or TVs, or refrigerators, you would give me one of each?" "Naturally" "And if you had two shirts, would you give me on e?" "No!" replied the communist emphatically. "Why not?" "Because I _have_ two shirts!" A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said". Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing". As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?". "It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted, "I know that it felt like snow!" The man quietly replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"! |
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