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Jorgenson
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Blondes 5
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| Q: How do blonde braincells die ? A: Alone. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer. Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear! Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A BLONDE BUSY ALL DAY? A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner. Q: HOW DID THE BLONDE DIE ICE FISHING? A: She was run over by the zambonis machine. Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant? A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. Q: What will she ask you? A: "Is it mine?" Q: How do you get a blonde off of your knees? A: Come. Q: How does a blond spell farm? A: E-I-E-I-O Q: How does a bitchy blonde do it doggy style? A: She takes off her clothes and makes her boyfriend roll over and beg. Q: How does a blond kill a fish? A: She drowns it. Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat? A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row. Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor? A: By the ears. Q: How do you know a blond likes you? A: She screws you two nights in a row. Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity? A: Her crayons are still sticky. Q: How does a blonde moonwalk? A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor! Q: WHY IS A BLONDE LIKE AUSTRALIA? A: They're both down under, and no one cares. Q: WHY DOES A BLONDE LIKE THE NUMBER 77? A: She likes to be 8 (ate) more. Q: WHY DON`T BLONDES LIKE ANAL SEX? A: They don`t like their brains being screwed with. Q: WHY CAN`T BLONDES WATER-SKI? A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down. Q: WHY ARE BLONDES LIKE PIANOS? A: When they aren't upright, they're grand. Q: WHY ARE BLONDES SO EASY TO GET INTO BED? A: Who cares? Q: Why can't blondes count to 70? A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful. Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists? A: The rest are hunt'n peckers. Q: How is a blonde like peanut-butter? A: They spread for the bread. Q: What do you call a blonde on a waterbed? A: Cherry Float Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth. Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125? A: a foursome. Q: What do you give the blonde that has everything? A: Penicillin. Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law? A: An air bag. Q: What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost their popularity? A: B.J. Q: Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped? A: Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open. Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs? A: To avoid the draft. Q: Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room? A: They have to pull their own pants down. Q: Why do blondes wear panties? A: To keep their ankles warm. Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee? A: It's too hard to re-train them. Q: What do blondes do for foreplay? A: Remove their underwear. Q: What do blonde virgins eat? A: Baby food. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!" Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" Q: What's the mating call of the brunette? A1: "All the blondes have gone home!" A2: Has that blonde gone yet? A3: When is that blond bitch going to leave!? Q: What's the mating call of the redhead? A: "Next!" Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday. Q: WHAT IS BLONDE AND GREEN AND JUMPS FROM BED TO BED? A: A prostitoad. Q: WHAT IS 68 TO A BLONDE? A: Where she goes down on you and you owe her one. Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? A: Trying to hold on to a thought. Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'. Q: Why did the blonde take two hits of acid? A: She wanted to go on a round trip. Q: Why did the blonde with a big pussy douche with crest? A: She heard that it reduces cavities. Q: Why did the blonde give a blow job after sex? A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too. Q: Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet? A: She thought it was diet coke. Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE BAKE A CHICKEN FOR 3 AND A HALF DAYS? A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125. Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE PUT HER FINGER OVER THE NAIL WHEN SHE WAS HAMMERING? A: The noise gave her a headache. Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE HAVE BLISTERS ON HER LIPS? A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs. Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar? A: She heard that the drinks were on the house. Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A: They don't know the route. Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. Q: What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons ? A: You can also sit upright in a car. Q: What's the definition of a metallurgist? A: A man who can tell if a platinum blonde is a virgin metal or a common ore. Q: What is the difference between a new blonde and an old blonde? A: Vaseline and Poli-Grip. Q: What is the difference between a dead blonde in the road, and a dead skunk in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a prostitute? A: Prostitutes don't drive Ferrari's Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ELVIS AND SMART BLONDES? A: Elvis has been sighted. Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BLONDES AND TRAFFIC SIGNS? A: Some traffic signs say stop. Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A LIGHTBULB? A: The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on. Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A BITCH? A: A blonde will fuck anyone, a bitch will fuck anyone but you. Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A SHOPPING CART? A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own. Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CORN FARMER WITH EPILEPSY AND A BLONDE WITH DIARRHEA? A: One shucks between fits. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a walrus? A: One has whiskers and fishy flaps, and the other is a walrus. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? A: When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining. Q: What is foreplay for a blonde? A: Thirty minutes of begging. Q: What is a blonde's idea of dental floss? A: Pubic hair. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth? A1: You need a quarter to use the phone. A2: Only one person can use the phone at once. Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen. Q: What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine? A: She peed on her corn flakes. Q: What did the blind blonde say to her new boyfriend as she was making love to him? A: "Funny, you don't feel Jewish." Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? A: She turned it over and used the other side. Q: What did the really dumb blond say when someone blew in her bra? A: Thanks for the refill. Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? A "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt." Q: How does a blonde commit suicide? A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off. Q: How do you plant dope? A: Bury a blonde. Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses? A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades. Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? A: Wave to her. Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ? A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum) Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex? A: She opens the car door. Q: How does a blonde get pregnant? A: And I thought blondes were dumb! Q: How does a blonde part their hair? A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart) A2: By doing the splits. Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle? A: Shine a torch in her ears. Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm? A1: She drops her nail-file! A2: Who cares? A3: She says, "Next". A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder. A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes. A6: I mean, who really cares? A7: The batteries have run out. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno! Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs? A: Unfertilized. Q: How do you drown a blond? A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. A2: Don't tell her to swallow. A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool. Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping? A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard. Q: How does a blonde high-5? A: She smacks herself in the forehead. Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? A: Flattered. Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS? A: A know-it-all bitch. Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde? A: One's a phony buck. Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician? A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts. Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have? A: One that never misses a period. Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is? A: An Italian suppository. Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life? A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet. Q: WHAT CAN SAVE A DYING BLONDE? A: Hair transplants. Q: WHAT DID THE BLOND SAY WHEN SHE WOKE UP UNDER THE COW? A: What are you guys still doing here? Q: WHAT ARE THE WORST SIX YEARS IN A BLONDE'S LIFE? A: Third Grade. Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY ABOUT BLONDE JOKES? A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans. Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE THINK OF THE NEW COMPUTER? A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV. Q: What did the blonde do when she heard the British were coming? A: She stopped sucking. Q: What did the blonde say when she was showed her newborn baby in the delivery room? A: I'm not going to suck anything *that* small. Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any. Q: What does a blond say during a porno? A: There I am!! Q: Why doesn't a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands? A: Because the vaccum in her head keeps them in place. Q: What's the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-o? A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer? A1: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do. A2: Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood. Q: Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses? A: She was having sunny periods. Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant? A: Her feet! Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose? A: When she farts, her knees bag. Q: How can you tell when a blonde is horny? A: Stick your hand down her panties. If it feels like a horse eating oats, she's horny. Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist? A: Marriage. Q: What's the ultimate embarassment for a blonde? A: When her Ben-Wa balls set off the airport metal detector. Q: What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy? A: A hundred dollar bill. Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan? A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat. Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9? A: A 69 interrupted by a period. Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ? A: Tell them a joke on Friday night ! Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde? A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on. Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They're born that way. Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms? A: They're too hard to peel. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W's. Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID? A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet. Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? A: To keep her ankles warm. Q: How can you tell a blonde had a bad day? A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what she did with her cigarette. Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? A: Way to go team! Q: How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator? A: By the chipped tooth. Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.) Q: How do you keep a blonde busy? A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: To keep from bruising their ears. Q: Why do blondes have vaginas? A: So guys will talk to them at parties. Q: Why does the blonde stand in front of a window during a thunder storm? A: She loves having her picture taken (flashes, got it?). Q: What do you call a blonde with a runny nose? A: Full. Q: What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?" A: "No, I just lie there." Q: What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning? A: "Thanks, guys..." Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool? A: Air pockets. Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? A: "Space. The final frontier......" Q: How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengals team? A: Just One... Boomer Esiason. Q: What's brown and red and black and blue? A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes. Q: What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner? A: You don't, you see if you've got 3 condoms. Q: How does the blonde car pool work? A: They all meet at work at 7:45. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up! Q: What happens when a blonde puts her panties on backwards? A: She gets her ass chewed out. Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England? A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock. Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes? A: They always forget the recipe. Q: Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry? A: Because you don't have to marry them to have sex with them! Q: Did you hear about the blonde that said she would do anything for a fur coat? A: Well, now she can't button it.(prego) Q: Did you hear about the sophisticated blonde? A: She thought her period was French Provincial. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio? A: It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night. Q: Did you hear about the blonde whose boyfriend say id he loved her? A: She believed him. Q: Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes? A: It's called MAIDS - if the don't get one, they die. Q: Did you hear about the blond with a Masters degree in Psychology? A: She'll blow your mind, too. Q: Did you hear about the new slogan for Miss Clairol's Hair Dye? A: Buy a double batch and get a snatch to match. Q: Did you hear about the conceited blonde? A: She screams her own name when she comes. Q: Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank? A: She tied up the safe and blew the guard. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had an apendix operation? A: Well, now she is making money on the side. Q: Did you hear about the scared blonde nurse down by the water? A: She won't go DOWN ON THE DOC. Q: Did you hear about the blond that was treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds? A: She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungie cord. Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT ALMOST CAUSED A WRECK? A: The spare tire in her trunk blew out. Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE DOCTOR? A: She shaved her patients, then took off their clothes. Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT ATE MOUNTAIN OYSTERS? A: She was dragged 200 yards. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see 20,000 leagues under the sea? A: She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams. Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE WHO STOOD IN FRONT OF A MIRROR WITH HER EYES CLOSED? A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep. Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL FOR BLONDES? A: They take off their makeup. Q: Why won't a blonde drink beer at the beach? A: She's afraid to get sand in her Busch. Q: Why do blondes wear tight skirts? A: To keep their legs together. Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer? A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold. Q: Why did the blonde give up bowling for screwing? A: The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes. Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank? A: Her employer found out she was embezzling. Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs? A: She fell out of the tree. Q: HOW MANY BLONDES DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB? A: Blondes screw in back seats, not in lightbulbs, silly. Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek? A: One. Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ? A: She didn't know what ONE came first... Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex? A1: Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers. A2: Their mothers told them not with their mouths full. Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone? A: Divorced. Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole? A: Divorced. Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit? A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer! Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp? A: You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way. Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde? A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night. Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff. Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree. Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her. Q: How did the blonde burn her nose? A: Bobbing for french fries. Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress? A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil. Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? A: There's white-out on the screen. Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? A: There's writing on the white-out. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9.... Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator? A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office? A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces. Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating? A: By the buckle print on her forehead. Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend? A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead! Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? A: She has a checkbook. |
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