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| A man walks into a bar and says "Ouch!!" Two men walk in to a bar. You'd think the other one would have ducked... .... a termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?" Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down, lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes, and then says, ``Dammit, I said UP.'' An obnoxious drunk in a bar trying to get a girl to go home with him says, "Hey, baby, how do you like your eggs in the morning?" Girl says, "Unfertilized. Beat it!" Two hamburgers walk into a bar. They go up to the bartender and say, "We'd like two pizzas with mushrooms." The bartender replies, "I'm sorry we don't serve food." A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him. So he sets it on a table, along with a note "I spit in this beer" hoping that noone will steal it then. Upon return, he sees another note saying "Me too!" A guy from up North (Canada) goes into a classy bar in the South (States). This bar has a dress code, and the maitre d' demands he wear a tie. Discouraged, the guy goes to his car to sulk when inspiration strikes: He's got jumper cables in the trunk! So he wraps them around his neck, sort of like a string tie (a bulky string tie to be sure) and returns to the bar. The maitre d' is reluctant, but says to the guy, "Okay, you're a pretty resourceful fellow, you can come in... but just don't start anything"! Guys walking down the street & sees 'Word Bar' sign. He walks in & sees a woman behind the counter. "What's all this Word Bar stuff"? he asks. She says "Exactly what it says - we've got Verbs, Prepositions, Hyperbole, Punctuation - whatever you want". "Ok" says the guy - "gimme an entendre" "Single or double?" she asks "Make it a double!" She raises one eyebrow & looks him up & down with a sly grin & says: "Don't you mean a LARGE one?" This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender "I'll have a Scotch and Soda." Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour." The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps "That's incredible; I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!" And the guy says "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist." A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Polish Joke..." The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Polish, both bouncers are Polish and so are most of my customers" "Okay" says the customer,"I'll tell it very slowly." A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down a monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piana player and says "Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it I'll play it." A customer was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving. He called it to the bartender's attention. He glanced at it and said, "It's a ladybug." After a moment of stunned silence the customer said, "Good Lord, what incredible eyesight you have!" This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a girl wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks: "How do you get into those pants?". The young woman looks him over and replies: "Well, you could start by buying me a drink...". This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm. Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The drunk says, "Any girl that can life her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!" In a Poor town in the middle of nowhere and no women...... A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How can you live in this town without any women?". The bartender replies, "It's not that bad, sir, when we get lonely we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it. It never sounds appeasing at first, but after one try you're hooked." So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel. At that, he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole. After about 5 minutes he ventures back to the bar and tells the bartender, "Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had!! What do I owe ya?". To which the bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel". A man walks into a bar. Sits down and drinks beer after beer, till at last he runs out of cash. The bartender knows, and refuses him more drinks. After the mans incessant pleading, he agrees to three more, on the house, if he does three things. First he has to knock out the bouncer, a strapping young man. Then he has to pull a bad tooth that belongs to the bulldog in the back, and have sex with the town runaround who is sitting by herself at the end of the bar. "No problem" he replies, and proceeds to the door where he knocks the bouncer out, with one blow! The bartender, amazed, points then to the back. The man nods, and heads off to pull the pooch's tooth. After a second, all that can be heard is the dog barking loudly. "Ruff ruff ruff". Ten minutes later, again. "Ruff ruff ruff". Again, after ten, "Ruff ruff ruff". The bartender begins to worry until he finally sees the man coming around front, a proud look on his face. He grins at the bartender and says, "Ok, nows where's the runaround with the loose tooth?" This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender serves the drink, the guy asks, "Hey, I heard a good Aggie joke the other day. Do you want to hear it?" The bartender says, "Well before you tell it, I should warn you that I'm an Aggie. See those two guys at the end of the bar? They're Aggies. And see those guys over at that table. They're Aggies too. Are you sure you want to tell that joke?" The guy replied, "Hell no! I don't want to explain it five times....... A sea anenome floats into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy a drink for that man in the corner." The bartender takes the drink to the man in the corner and says, "This is from your friend over there." The man replies, "With anenome like that, who needs friends?" A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!" A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he noticed about her though, was her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them. After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her. "Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?" "Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink." A bear went into a bar and ordered a beer. He gave the bartender a twenty and the bartender went to the other end of the bar to put the money in the register. The second bartender whispered to the first, "He's a bear, what does he know, shortchange him." The first bartender brings the bear $10 in change. A little while later the bartender starts talking to the bear and mentions, "We don't get many bears in this bar." The bear replies, "I'm not surprised, at $10 a beer I sure won't be back again.... Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the barkeeper,"Hiya, Mike. Set 'em up for me and my pal here." Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted, "This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are free!" "That's not so great, "responded the friend. "There's a bar across town That'll match you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back for free." "Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed. "Oh, I don't know," the dim fellow replied, "but my wife goes there all the time." A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea. He loop-legs it through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring he's been out jumping new bones. "Where the hell you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden." "Bullshit! There's no such place!" Guy says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the ext day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her old man's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!" A guy knocked off early from work and checked in at the local saloon. By two o'clock in the morning, he was three sheets to wind, all of 'em ripping bad. Buying a pint of tequila for the road and slipping it in his back pocket, he staggered outside, tripped over a curb and fell on his ass, busting the whiskey bottle. At home, the pain hits. He looks in a mirror after undressing and sees the blood and the cuts on his butt. Trying to focus on the mirror, he repairs the damage as best he can, then crashes in bed. The next morning, he wakes up with a hangover from hell, feeling like he'd been chewed up by a coyote and shit off a cliff. He looks up through the pain and fog, and sees his wife standing beside the bed. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late and I stopped off at the Lonesome Dove for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers, hell!" she snorted. "You got so plastered last night you couldn't see straight!" "What makes you think that?" "My first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the bathroom mirror." This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, he asks the bartender where the bathroom is at. The barkeep tells him to go down the hall to the right. All of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream from the bathroom again. This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away!" The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, "You're sitting on a damn mop bucket!" A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "Now what?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!", says the barkeep. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!" A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. The bartender brings his beer, and says " None of my business, mister, but how come you got such a small head?" The guy sips his beer, and says, " Well, a few years back, I was shipwrecked on a small island. After a couple of weeks of being there, I found this bottle, and when I rubbed it a genie came out. She said ' For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes.' So, being shipwrecked, I wished to be rescued.' A ship is on its way' she says. Next, I wished to be rich.' You will have untold wealth when you return home'. Well, having been on the island alone for awhile, I wished to have sex with the genie. She said, 'I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to do that.' So I says, Well how about giving me a little head?" A bear goes into a bar in Boise, sits up at the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender looks up and says "I'm sorry but we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise." At this the bear gets very upset, and says "If you don't give me a beer I'm going to get really mad!" The bartender not wanting any trouble says "I'm really sorry and I don't want you to get mad but, we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise." Now at this point the bear is getting really mad! So he looks around and sees a couple quietly having dinner. He gets up and knocks the table over, the couple scream and run out. Now the bear asks the bartender, "How did you like that? Do I get my beer now?" The bartender says "I didn't like that at all! But..we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise!" The bear is getting visibly upset, "Look, if you don't give me that beer I'm going to hurt someone!" Now the crowd is getting nervous, the bartender again tries to calm the now very, very upset bear down, "I'd really rather you not hurt anyone, but I still can't give you that beer because...we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise!" Well at his point the bear jumps up and grabs the guy sitting next to him and tears into him, ripping him to pieces. Everyone is horrified and the poor guy crawls out the door. The bear feeling sure he'll get his beer now says "So, how did you like that? How about my beer?" The bartender holds his ground and says "That was terrible!! I really wish you wouldn't have done that but...we do not serve beers to bears in bars in Boise!" So now the bear gets furious, "If you don't give me that beer I'm going to KILL someone!" Of course the bartender doesn't doubt it but tells him "Please don't kill anyone! But....we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise!" Well as you can imagine the bear is crazy by now and looks to the end of the bar and see's this sleazy,nasty woman with fishnet stockings, sucking on a cigarette, guzzling down drinks. So he gets up and goes down to her rips her off the stool, tears her in half,rips out her guts, blood goes everywhere as he eats her up! He then turns to the bartender with blood dripping from his mouth, "SO.. NOW DO I GET THAT BEER?" The bartender is sickened by what he see's, "That was awful!! I sure wish you wouldn't have done that because we also don't serve beers to people that do drugs!" Well the bear can't believe it, "I don't do drugs!" The bartender replies "Oh yes you do ...what about that barbitchyouate?" A doctor used to visit the same bar every day and order the same drink day in/day out. "Fix me an almond Daquiri, Dick!" the fellow asked. "Coming right up!". This was the way it went for years on end. Finally one day, the bartender realized there were no more almonds anywhere in his inventory, and his customer was waiting anxiously at the bar for his favorite beverage. In a hurry, he figured that he could use a hickory nut, crush it up, the man would never know the difference. Well, the doctor took a sip of the drink and said "Is this an almond Daquiri, Dick?". "Well, no, it's a hickory Daquiri, Doc." Fella in his hospital bed keeps ringing for the nurse because he has to take a dump really bad. He can't hold it any more and finally messes in his bed. To clean it up, he pulls the sheet off the bed, wads it up, and tosses it out the window. Joe, the local inebriate, is on his way to his favorite haunt when this sheet happens to land square on his head. He staggers into the bar, and the bartender, taking one look and a getting a whiff of the brown stuff, sez, "Joe, you smell AWFUL." Joe sez, "You would too, if you just beat the shit out of a ghost." A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk. "I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies. "So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager. "well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!". A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman. "Hi," he said, "I'm new in town. Can I buy you a drink?" "Get lost," she remarked, "I am Lesbian." "Oh, really?" he asked, "How are things in Beiruit?" It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked. "I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied. "I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second. "I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third. "OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?" Six men who were feeling no pain were staggering down the street about one in the morning. Laughing and singing loudly, they walked up to a two-story home. One of them managed to make it to the door and pounded on the doorbell insistently. A light came on in a upstairs window. The spokesman for the group yelled up, "Is this where Mr. John Smith lives?" "Yes, it is. What do you want?" "Are you Mrs. Smith?" "I am Mrs. Smith. What do you want?" "Could you come down here and pick out Mr. Smith so the rest of us can go home?" One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light. The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from |
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