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| Senior Driver As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!" The New Cadillac A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump. "What can I do for ya’ll?" asks the attendant. "Fill ‘er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a latest Cadillac DeVille." "What all’s it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It’s loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine." "Wow," says the attendant, "that’s really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That’ll be $30.17," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That’s what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!" 18 Basic Rules for Driving in Washington DC (1) A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in, before hitting construction barrels. (2) Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle, so never use them. (3) Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation. (4) The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit. (5) Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. (Remember no-fault insurance: He might not have much to lose, you do.) (6) Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your anti-lock braking system kicks in to give you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. (7) Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the exit before the traffic begins to back up. (8) The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information, just to make DC look progressive. (9) Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway. (10) Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make our nation's Capitol look as if it conforms with other state policies; these are given only as suggestions and are readily unenforceable. (11) Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Beltway driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot. (12) Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in downtown DC. (13) Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a tire. If you're lucky, you may see the unwitting breakdown victim get mugged. (The proceeds of such ventures are vested directly into the Democratic front-runner's campaign for Mayor.) (14) Learn to swerve abruptly. The DC / Metro area is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to VDOT, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes. (15) It is traditional in DC to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. The city is founded upon such traditions. (16) Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way. (17) Giving the finger may invite armed retaliation. (18) All unmarked exits lead to Southeast DC. How To Identify Where Drivers Are From One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California *with gun in lap: L.A. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate. Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male. Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas The New Ferrari A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1997 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rearview mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Omigod! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders...from your side-view mirror..." The Highway Patrol A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place.... The man says, "What's the problem officer?" Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks. [Man gives his wife another dirty look.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!" Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk." Computers Vs Cars Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors. The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50. In response to all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day? GM INTRODUCES NEW INSTANT-WIN AIRBAGS - DETROIT With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 1997 cars. "Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next nonfatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline." Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive. "As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, "Oh, boy, this could be it - I could be a big winner!" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!" "It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain haemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets even if it kills me!" Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree. GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn't like that" Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin. According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997 CutlassSupreme, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the realchances of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place -- approximately 1 in 720,000 -- the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion." Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totalled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong". Car Names Explained AUDI- Always Unsafe Designs Implemented BMW-Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster Bimbette Motor Weapon Break My Window BUICK-Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer CHEVROLET- Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology DODGE-Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere DODGE - Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere Dead or Dying Gas Eater Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express FIAT- Failure in Italian Automotive Technology Fix It All the Time Fix it again, Tony! FORD - First On Recall Day FORD - First On Race Day First On Rust and Deterioration Fix Or Repair Daily Found On Road, Dead Fault Of R&D Fast Only Rolling Downhill Features O.J. and Ron's DNA Found On Russian Dump GM- General Maintenance Great Mistake GMC- Garage Man's Companion Got A Mechanic Coming? HONDA - Had One Never Did Again HYUNDAI-Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive... MAZDA- Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along OLDSMOBILE-Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment PINTO - put in new transmission often PONTIAC - poor old Neanderthal thinks its a Cadillac SAAB-Send Another Automobile Back Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown. Sorry Arsed Auto Builders TOYOTA-Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto VOLVO- Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners VW-Virtually Worthless What your car says about you Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars Acura NSX - I am impotent Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis Chevrolet Cavalier - Absolute LEGEND! Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car Ferrari Testarossa - I am known to prematurely ejaculate Ford Explorer - I will not be caught dead in a mini van Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart) Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55 mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them. Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall. Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall. Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming. Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending. Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports. Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year. Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp. Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above) Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler MGB - I am dating a mechanic Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings. Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch penis. Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanon is a tad bit too liberal Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic) Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife |
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