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| Q. Did you hear about the Veterinarian and the Taxidermist who combined their business? A. Their slogan: "Either way you get your pet back." Q. What happens when a bomb goes off in the middle of a herd of cows? A. Udder destruction! Q. How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum? A. Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars. Q. Why did God invent armadillos? A. So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell. Q. What do you get when you cross a python with a porcupine? A. Ten feet of barbed wire. Q. What goes peck, peck, peck, boom? A. A chicken in a mine field. Q. What goes, "99-thump, 99-thump, 99-thump"? A. A centipede with a wooden leg. Q. What disease can you get from kissing birds? A. Chirpes! (A canareal disease, but it's untweetable.) Q. Why does a tiger have stripes? A. So he won't be spotted. Q. What do you call a cat who does tricks? A. A magic kit. Q. AWhat kind of work does a weak cat do? A. Light mouse work. Q. Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens? A. Because she wanted to mail a litter. Q. Which state has a lot of dogs and cats? A. Petsylvania. Q. Why should you walk carefully when it's raining cats and dogs? A. You might step in a poodle. Q. Which game did the cat want to play with the mouse? A. Catch. Q. What do English cats drink in the afternoon? A. Kit-tea. Q. Where did the kittens go on their class trip? A. To a mewseum. Q. How do you call a barber cat? A. Yell..."Hair Kitty!" Q. What did the man say when the steamroller ran over his cat? A. Nothing. He just stood there with a long puss. Q. What did the doe say as she came running out of the brush? A. That's the LAST time I do THAT for two bucks! Q. What do you call four sheep tied to a post in Cardiff (Wales)? A. A leisure centre. Q. What did the monkey say to the woman after making love to her? A. " No wonder you are blonde." Q. What has a hundred balls, and fucks rabbits? A. A shotgun. Q. Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love? A. Because they have cotton balls. Q. What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle? A. Beef Strokenoff Q. What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster? A. A cock that stays up all night. Q. What do you call a cow with and abortion? A. Decalfinated Q. Where do they get virgin wool? A. Ugly sheep. Q. What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating? A. Finding half a worm. Q. What do you get when you put an experimental monkey in a blender? A. Rhesus Pieces. Q. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A. He was dead. Q. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? A. Monkey see, monkey do. Q. Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? A. Peer pressure. Q. What does a Walrus and Tupperware have in common? A. Their both looking for a tight seal. Q. What do you call two skunks doing "69"? A. "Odor eaters". Q. How many animals can fit in a pair of pantyhose? A. 10 little piggies, 2 calfs, a beaver and an ass! To err is human, to moo is bovine. A myth is a female moth. Dead animals make rotten pets. A baby harp seal walks into a Club. The early bird may get the worm, but look what the early worm gets! One goldfish says to another, "If there is no God, then who changes the water?" Mr. Greenjeans said to Mr. Bluejeans, "Me? I like to wake up with the rooster. How about you?" Mr. Bluejeans shook his head, "Naw, I prefer sleeping in my own bed." "Now, son," the farmer said to the new farmhand, "are you sure you know just how long cows should be milked?" "Sure," said the hired help. "Just the same as short ones." Every morning an antelope wakes up knowing it has to outrun the fastest cougar or it will be killed. Every morning a cougar wakes up knowing it has to outrun the slowest antelope or it will starve. So, whether you're a cougar or an antelope, when the sun comes up, you'd better hit the ground running. A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again. The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain..suddenly the female bird says to the male: "Hey dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted" A vulture walks onto an airplane. The stewardess says, "Would you like me to put your suitcase in the luggage compartment for you, sir?" The vulture says, "No thanks. It's carrion." Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them. One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?" The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!" A boy wanders into a pet store and asks for a quarter's worth of bird seed. The clerk smiles at this strange request and asks, "How many birds do you have?" The kid replies, "None, yet. But I hope to grow some!" A chicken walks into a library and straight up to the librarian. The chicken says "book, book" so the librarian humors the chicken and gives him a book. Off goes the chicken out the door. Next day the same thing happens. And the third day too. Getting a little curious, the librarian follows the chicken on the fourth day, all across town to a swampy lake. At the lake he sees the chicken drops the book in front of a frog, who promptly says "redit,redit" So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!". But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK that's it for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot asks, "By the way, what did the chicken do?". A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot, who'd seen all the magician's tricks a jillion times, long ago having figured out how the magician made everything in the act disappear. The parrot got bored, his owner growing stale and not developing any new tricks that the parrot could figure out. One night in the middle of the magician's performance, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage and climb aboard, immediately collapsing from exhaustion. Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician and perched on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the magician. And stared. And stared. For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot didn't take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir. Looking up, he saw the parrot, still eyeing him intently, not even blinking. Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks, "Awright, I give up. What did you do with the goddamn ship?" For many years a certain white whale and a tiny herring had been inseparable friends. Wherever the white whale roamed in search of food, the herring was sure to be swimming right along beside him. One fine spring day the herring turned up off the coast of Norway without his companion. Naturally all the other fish were curious, and an octopus finally asked the herring what happened to his whale friend. "How should I know?" the herring replied. "Am I my blubber's kipper?" Selected things to do when you run over your neighbor's cat: (a) Wedge the cat under the neighbor's tire so they think they did it. (b) Paint a hexagram on their front lawn and put the cat in the middle so they think that crazy Satanists did it. (c) Throw the cat into your other neighbor's yard. (d) Put the cat in a tree. Call the fire department and let them try to explain it. (e) Drive over the rest of the cats in the neighborhood and claim that you're on a "Mission From God". Mrs. Biddle was walking down the street one day carrying a small box with holes punched in the top. "What's in that box?" Mrs. Riddle asked. "A cat," Mrs. Biddle answered. "What for?" "I've been dreaming about mice at night, and I'm scared of mice. The cat is to catch them." "But the mice you dream about are imaginary," said Mrs. Riddle. Mrs. Biddle turned to her friend and whispered, "So is the cat." In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery. He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor. "Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars." "It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot. "For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it." "Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats." Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!" This guy buys a parrot. Every morning he stands in front of the cage and asks in a pleasant voice "Can you talk?" This goes on for weeks with absolutely no response from the bird. Finally one morning, totally fed up, he shouts "CAN YOU TALK, YOU STUPID CREATURE? CAN YOU TALK?" The bird looks him in the eye and says "I can talk, all right. Can you fly?" When the chimp owner came home one day, he found his wife sleeping with his chimp. He was mad with rage, and went up to his neighbor for some advice. The neighbor said, " Just go and spank your monkey, because if you divorce her, you will have to spank your monkey forever." I was once approached by a polar bear. I only had a pistol loaded with blanks to defend myself. Fear caused a small droplet of sweat to form on my forehead, it immediately froze. I took the droplet and put it in the pistol. Then I fired at the bear. The heat from the gun melted the sweat droplet. The droplet then re-froze due to the extreme cold and struck the bear in the head. The droplet then melted from the bear's body heat. The bear died anyway, from... (planned hesitation)...... Water on the brain. A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time later, a man calls the zoo complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a Dachshund. The man asks what the items are for. He's told, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him, and the Dachshund will go straight for his balls." The man asks, "But what's the shotgun for?" The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla and fall out of the tree, you shoot the Dachshund." An Australian hooker goes into a tavern, empty, except for a lone Koala bear sitting at the bar. She walks up and asks if he would like to spend the night with her. He agrees and they both go back to her place. On the way, she asks if Koala bears are really as good with their tongues as rumor says. He replies that they are indeed. They make love all night long, and in the morning, the Koala thanks her and turns to go. "Just a minute buddy, that'll be 100 bucks." she says. "Koalas never pay", he explains calmly. "I'm a prostitute, I make my living this way, you owe me 100 dollars!" she says, but his reply is the same; "Koalas never pay". Finally, in desperation, she gets a dictionary from the shelf, looks up "prostitute", and shows him: "See? prostitute: One who takes payment for sexual favors." The Koala takes the book flips to the Ks: "koala: Australian marsupial, eats bushes and leaves" While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em." Larry Lobster and Sam Clam where best friends. They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good. Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together. Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell. Larry was doing well in heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said "Larry, you know you are the nicest clam we ever had up here. Everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help." Larry said, "Well, don't get me wrong Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I really miss him a lot." St. Peter looked at Larry with pity and said to him, "I tell you what, I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?" This made Larry very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened he was met by Sam. The hugged each other and they were off. You see in Hell Sam owned a disco. The spent the day there together and had a great time. At the end of the day Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together said their goodbyes and Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven. He stepped off the elevator and was greeted by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said, "Larry Lobster, didn't you forget something?" Larry looked around and said "No, I don't think so I have my halo and my wings." St. Peter looked at him and said, "Yes, but what about your harp?" Larry gasped and said, "I Left My Harp in Sam Clam's Disco." There was this tiger who woke up one morning and just felt great. He felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "Who is the mightiest of all the jungle animals!?!" And this poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you." A little while later, this tiger confronts a deer and just bellows out, "Who is the greatest and strongest of all the jungle animals!?!!" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds and roared at the top of his voice, "Who is the mightiest of all the animals in the jungle!?!?!!" Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down, picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black, and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed!" Two rabbits & a hedgehog sitting by the side of the A48. Hedgehog: "Hey boys, what's the other side of this road?" Rabbit: "Why don't you go and look?" Hedgehog: "Nah... If any of our lot tries to cross, we get run over. Not worth the risk" Rabbit: "Just run across. If there's a car coming, look him right between the headlights and curl up in a little ball, let him pass over the top and away you go" Hedgehog: "You can't do that. I don't believe it. Show me" Rabbit: "OK" Rabbit saunters casually over the road and as he gets to the centre, a car comes screaming around the corner. The rabbit stops, looks the car right between the headlights and it passes over him. Gets up finishes the journey. Hedgehog to other rabbit: "That's a fluke, you can't possibly do that all the time." Rabbit 2: "No problem, just do as he did. Look, I'll show you." Same things happens. Car comes around the bend. Rabbit looks it right between the headlights, passes over and up he gets to the other side. The two rabbits are over the other side, beckoning furiously to the hedgehog, encouraging him to cross over until finally he plucks up the courage. Looks both ways. Nothing coming. Starts out, gets halfway and arounbd the bend comes a car. Hedgehog looks car right between the headlights and the car passes over him. SPLAT! The poor hedgehog is one inch thick on the road - a pizza, in fact, deader than twenty dead things. The rabbits are dumbstruck, momentarily stunned by the events. Eventually the first rabbit speaks... "Bugger me! That's incredibly bad luck. I mean, how many Reliant Robins do you get on this road?" *For those colonials amongst us, a Reliant Robin is an infamous 3 wheeled car in Limeyland. It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?" At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband, "tell that sucker you have a headache!" |
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